Today's activities have me in a strange mood. The backstory is a wee bit complicated, but essentially, because of work that is going to be done in the office area I currently work in, I have to move to another office for an indeterminate amount of time. So I've spent a good part of the day packing up my office and moving its contents to the temporary space. As I moved the last box, I don't know, this wave of sadness just came over me with the thought, "will I ever be settled?"
Peeling away the layers I can see from whence these feelings come. On the first layer, there is the obvious situation that when I first came to this job, I was in a temporary office for about three weeks because my current office was not ready. Now, after just getting my feet under me, I'm moving again with no definite date of return.
Next, you go to the fact that I'm currently renting a furnished house from people that I know would like to sell it someday, so it really feels like I'm living in someone else's home and I have no way of being sure for how long. It also doesn't help that in the haste of my move, I left a good portion of my own stuff behind, in a house that I co-own but will never live in again.
Peeling away the layers I can see from whence these feelings come. On the first layer, there is the obvious situation that when I first came to this job, I was in a temporary office for about three weeks because my current office was not ready. Now, after just getting my feet under me, I'm moving again with no definite date of return.
Next, you go to the fact that I'm currently renting a furnished house from people that I know would like to sell it someday, so it really feels like I'm living in someone else's home and I have no way of being sure for how long. It also doesn't help that in the haste of my move, I left a good portion of my own stuff behind, in a house that I co-own but will never live in again.
I've broken off a relationship that I was hoping to be a lifelong one and was my "home" for seven years. And I wonder if I will be able to not only find my way to another serious relationship but, even if I should, I question if I will be able to have any better success with the next one than I did the last.
Then, ultimately at the core of my identity has long been this sense of being out of place; a feeling that I know is not unique to me but exists in me nevertheless.
It's strange because I really like where I live and work and basically where life has brought me. I just also know there continues to be this nagging question of when, if ever, will I feel at home?
