emptying

for well over a year now the pattern of my life has been the same. i get up and go into the day feeling that i cannot possibly accomplish what i need to given the emotional state i'm in. i do what needs to be done. i go home to my quiet and lonely existence. i go to bed feeling lost and more than a bit overwhelmed by how deep into my soul my sadness goes and i wake up the next day and do it all over again.

i've written about this pattern several times in this blog over the past year. today there is not much more to share than i am so very, very tired of it all. this is not living. not even remotely close. and after many moments of reflection and conversations with friends and months of therapy, nothing has changed.

i've been encouraged to attempt to make changes. i've tried and they've all blown up in my face to some degree or another. i would keep trying if not for being in this place where i'm not sure i even trust myself to know what is best for me or certainly i don't seem to know the right ways to achieve it.

i feel as if life has worn me down to the rawest nerve and despite my internal pleas for help and a cessation of that action, it continues to wear me down even further. how does this stop? when will it end? when even my mind and my entire emotional framework are constructed to betray me, how will it ever be possible for me to experience the sense of peace, belonging, and joy that i crave but seems to have eluded me for much of my life?

hope is in short supply today. in fact, that tank is just about empty.