we came this close

so today is the last day of my mother's visit and we almost got through an entire visit without some negative commentary about my "lifestyle" being made on her part. almost but not quite, for this morning on the way to breakfast, she decided to bring up again the subject of the end of my relationship with michael.

i had hoped to get through the visit without even discussing that michael and i were no longer together as i had felt no need to share it. it's not as if in the 12 years that michael and i were in some form of relationship that she had ever met him, and i can count on one hand the number of conversations we've had in that time about him. plus, i knew the news of our not being together would delight her -- not because of the issues in my relationship with michael, but because she has an issue with my being in any relationship with any man. unfortunately, when she was asking probing questions to confirm what i believe she already suspected about the status of my relationship with michael, i had to relinquish the information that she was seeking. as i shared in a brief chat with sean this morning, she somehow managed to restrain herself from doing cartwheels when i shared that michael and i had indeed broken up back in October.

and so today she thought it would be a good idea to follow up that conversation with the fact that she had an issue with my continuing to provide michael with some temporary financial support (support that will be ending next year). after a few moments of back and forth on that, i had to say that we needed to stop talking about what was already a difficult situation. from there she then was compelled to share the guilt she felt over how her actions had contributed to the lifestyle i was leading. rather than engage her in that conversation, i chose to just say that she shouldn't feel guilty. her response was that there was nothing she could do about it but pray. and i replied that prayer is always appreciated. that conversation ended then and there and i started to count the minutes until i would be dropping her off at the airport later this afternoon.

someday, i would like her to apologize for how she contributed to the struggles i've had with my self-esteem and how the fact that she was so negative about people being gay robbed me of the ability to come to terms with who i am much earlier in life. perhaps with that difference in my life, my present circumstances would be much different in a positive way. now that would be a conversation i would be willing to engage in.

someday this is how i will see life again

there is one more song from the musical if/then that i'd like to share. it's one of those "big showstopping" songs that is a required element of every broadway musical. every time i hear it, i know that it expresses a perspective that i need to have on life and that i am not quite at the place yet to do so. i think i may be making slow progress toward that goal and hopefully i will be there before long. hopefully, this song will inspire some of you who are also going through times of loss and transition.

always starting over - idina menzel from if/then

and if you liked that here's idina performing it live at this year's tony awards

the visit

so the long anticipated (well, truth be told, the more appropriate word would be "dreaded") visit from my mother began this past weekend. two days down six more to go, and all in all it has gone well for the most part. there have been the usual minor criticisms about my choices in food or household products or television shows, but i'm so used to those that they pretty much don't even register any more.

while i'm pleased that there have been no major disagreements or contentious discussions, i was struck by an interesting thought today, stemming from a trip my mother and i made yesterday. we had taken a long car drive (six hours round trip) to visit a friend of hers that had moved to my state of residence earlier this year. it was a nice visit and a pleasant car ride there and back. when we left our host, i said a few words of thanks for the hospitality and well wishes on a newly embarked upon business venture. as we were driving back, my mother thanked me for the words i'd expressed to her friend and said she was proud to have me as a son. it was a nice moment.

this morning, as i was getting ready for work, i recalled that moment and was again reminded that while my mother may be proud of me for many things, there is one element of who i am for which she is not and that one thing is the fact that i am gay. now understand, i am not one of those gay men who feels like being gay is just a part of who i am. i believe that our sexual orientation is such a fundamental part of our core identity that it substantively affects how we see and respond to the world and vice-versa. as such, it's not a mere characteristic like eye color or preference like loving chocolate. to object to or even ignore this aspect of who i am is essentially rejecting me and denying my existence.

and yet, when it comes to my mother, objecting to and ignoring the fact i am gay is exactly the approach she takes. as i stared into the bathroom mirror, it then occurred to me why i dreaded extended visits with my mother so much. it wasn't really the possibility of her directly confronting me with religious pronouncements about the displeasure god feels about my "lifestyle" (though those aren't much fun either). it was the fact that, with respect to our relationship, i'm back to where i was pre-coming out.

as many lgbt people can attest, prior to coming to terms with your sexual identity, every compliment, every kind word about you feels qualified. you think, "yes, they say feel this way about me, but i wonder how they would feel if they knew i were gay (or whatever other identification you may have)?"

coming out liberates one from that qualifying factor because after that act you now know whatever is said about you is said with full knowledge of who you are. this works most of the time. the exception occurs when the person chooses not to accept who you are. when that happens an even more unfortunate dynamic is created. now you are all those good things in spite of the fact that you are this "terrible" thing that being gay is. the relationship strain becomes even greater when you come to the belief, as i definitely have, that being gay is actually not only one of those good things about you, it's actually a great thing and you wouldn't have it any other way.

and so that's where i am with six days left to go in this visit. it's a good thing i have a therapy appointment this week. i wonder if i need to double up?