another dark day

i've been having what i feel is more than my fair share of these kind of days lately. the kind of day where the the depression i am experiencing has so poisoned my view on my life that i really just wish i were dead, resulting in the remainder of my waking hours being focused on fighting off making that wish a reality. the one outstanding question -- is this going to be a dark day or a dark weekend?

a weird moment

just had a very weird moment. i got into bed. i thought of sean and then i just started crying. not about any event or interaction. just him. and the sadness swept over me and came out of my eyes. it was just really weird. and as quickly as it came, it pretty much went. well the tears at least. there's still a slight hint of lingering melancholy. hopefully some sleep will help. in the meantime, here's some bread for tonight's song.

aubrey - bread

a new lens

i'm in a pretty low place this morning. low on energy, low on enthusiasm, low on confidence, low on life. in my therapy session yesterday, i shared more about the challenges i had been experiencing in my personal and professional life over the past week. my therapist waited until the end of my session to deliver what was probably the most significant comment of our time together, "you realize we need to start from a place where you see that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you?" after a few moments in which i think i just stared back at him blankly, he then reflexively said, "say yes."

rather than my just saying yes, we spent our remaining few moments talking about the concept. in that time, i shared that while intellectually i could appreciate what he was saying, emotionally i wasn't really close to being able to adopt this as my new lens for viewing myself. he then proceeded to try to demonstrate the reality of the premise, indicating all the ways i was primarily sound mentally, emotionally and physically. he shared that my recognizing this fact was foundational to setting a positive course for my life and that it was when i was acting out of the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me that i likely was making the wrong choices for my life. he stated adopting this more positive affirmation on how i see myself would not feel natural at first but it was necessary for me to try. i promised i would, even saying the words (not very strongly or convincingly i will admit), "there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me" as i left the office.

this morning i recognized how difficult fulfilling that promise was going to be as i thought about how some of my recent struggles seemed to negate the doctor's affirmation. if there was nothing fundamentally wrong with me then why did my boss not have confidence in allowing me to move in the original direction we had discussed for the role? if i was inherently sound then why didn't sean seem to want to meet up or spend more time with me? and lastly, if i was truly ok then why didn't i have love in my life? it just seemed that the lack and failings in all these areas and others provided ample evidence that refuted and really seemed to make a mockery of the idea that there is nothing wrong with me.

and so here i sit with a perspective that i just can't seem to embrace and a schedule filled with activities that i really could not care less about. i am tempted to just clear the day and go home, but instead, i'm going just to do my best to move through and engage each item as it comes. i have to admit the weekend is not looking to rosy, new lens on life or not.

the glass slipper?

so this has been a pretty fatiguing week. so much so that all i have for today is the song of the night. this is one that i'm not sure if i've posted before. i heard it on an early evening walk and did some lamenting that there's never been a guy in my life that's fit the bill of this song. it made me think that i guess i will know for sure that i have met the guy for me when i hear this song and it fits him completely.

head over feet - alanis morissette

pretty crispy

on monday i shared that i have been experiencing what i referred to as "soul fatigue," a condition of mental and emotional breakdown brought about by attempting to accomplish a significant amount of professional and personal activities while simultaneously struggling with a deep, lingering depression. i think another, at least related, descriptor for this state i'm in is burn out.

the what seems like relentless assault brought about by my depression (personified by me as the twin demons of doubt and despair) combined with the sheer volume of work required hasing me go to bed each night and waking up each morning with the feeling of uncertainty (make that outright doubt) that i can continue on with doing what i'm doing. of even more concern, there are moments that i feel like i don't want to continue on doing what i'm doing and i find myself pondering increasingly desperate ways to make it all stop. not a good place to be.

there are people who have noticed my state. and while they may not necessarily see that i am in a state of burn out, they at least have a sense that i'm pretty crispy. their suggestion is that i need a break -- a nice vacation that will help me to rest and relax and remove the stresses that 50-60 hour work weeks have wrought. under other conditions, i would agree with them. and while i'm not saying that some time off is not a good idea, i do question, if my experiences on weekends are any indication, how helpful that just taking time away will be. i've mentioned this doubt about how efficacious a vacation would be before, which pretty much comes down to the perspective that if so much of the feeling i'm experiencing has been brought about by dissatisfaction regarding my current life state and the constant questioning of when or even if things will get better, then how much relief will i get on a solitary vacation? i mean reflecting on that dissatisfaction can happen equally as much if not more if i'm lying on the beach as siting at my desk at work or lying in my bed at home.

what i feel would be more beneficial is if aspects of my life would change, and this week i've become even more acutely aware that it would be helpful to have some of that change take place in my professional work. i've often shared with others that this is the best job i've ever had. even so, i know that i would like to be doing something different within it. i am seeing more and more that quite a bit of the work i do focuses on the process of our work -- the "how" we are organized and operate to get things done. something that i recognized last year and this week's conference has reminded me is that i am energized more by conceiving and developing the various aspects of the "what" we do -- the programs, services, resources that position our organization and its people for success. this is where i'd really prefer to be devoting the bulk of my time, effort and energy.

i made a pitch to my boss last year about this and ways that change could happen. she was open to it but the change ended up being delayed if not deferred in favor of the direction we're going in now. this new direction did result in more responsibility and more money for me. and as supportive as i've tried to be about the new direction, i know (and have commented on this blog before) that i am disappointed and in my depressed state there have been several opportunities for my twin demons to have me wondering if the change in direction was as a result of deep misgivings about or downright disbelief in my competence and capability to do the work that we had originally discussed my taking on. it doesn't help that i made my pitch in a rare display of vulnerable admission of my ardent desire to do the work. now i feel that my plea was heard and disregarded. again, not a great place to be.

so now i'm about to get on yet another conference call about the "how" of the work. and i will do my best to contribute to the success of that work even though, all the while, i suspect i will continue to smell smoke coming from my increasingly charred soul.

i miss being me

today's conference agenda started with a very well done keynote address about work styles and creating value within organizations. the underlying premise is that the people who are most successful at contributing to organizational success are those who understand what their specific differentiating talents are and are focused on operating out of those strengths. interestingly enough, the key to success for doing so is becoming "more of who you are." this is the kind of work/life approach that strongly resonates with my own fundamental beliefs, and yet as i was listening, i realized that i was not getting the usual energizing effect that comes from participating in this type of presentation. try as i might, my heart, mind, and spirit just could not fully engage in the concept.

later in the day, i was looking at the results of the exercise that we did in that morning session, which was basically to come up with a tagline for ourselves that defined the distinct value each of us contributes to the workplace, and i was struck with the fact that while i recognized that my tagline was an accurate descriptor of someone i had been even in the recent past, at this time, i didn't feel nearly as capable of being that type of person now. with a heavy sigh, i then had this simple thought, "i miss being me."

i've written before about the recognition that i've come to that in fundamental ways i am walking through life with a broken spirit. and as the day wore on with session after session helping me to see the things that need to be addressed in my particular realm of work, i became even more acutely aware of how difficult it is to address this critical but challenging work when one is in this state of being. it is very much akin to running a marathon with a broken leg. it can be done. it's just harder and more painful. and all of the effort required in doing so creates this mental/emotional breakdown that i can only describe as "soul fatigue" in which neither the spirit or the flesh is very willing and both are pretty weak.

for a driven achiever such as myself this is the most difficult place to be in. what's even more difficult is feeling like i'm never going to find my way out.

some thoughts and a song at the end of a long day

it's been a long day. travel to an out of town professional conference combined with a three hour pre-conference workshop combined with an hour welcome reception. the heaviness of heart that i have been experiencing over the past several days has lessened but still persists. i am not really in the space to be away from home right now, feeling as alone and vulnerable as i do, but tickets were bought, registration fees paid, and hotel reservations made and my lousy emotional state is not sufficient enough a reason to refrain from this activity. i will do my best to move through it all even if i'd much rather be elsewhere.

tonight's song is another nod back to the 70's by one of the biggest groups of that era. there were many great songs to choose from but this one in particular seemed to fit my mood this evening.

too much heaven - bee gees