eroding

every day that goes by i seem to be a little less confident that my life will get better. i'm a little less believing that this emotional pain will end. a little less trusting in the belief that the people i know care anything about me. a little less hopeful that love is available for me. or that even if they did or it were that it would make any difference in my life.

today i forced myself out of bed and into the wider world against my better judgement. the process of changing psychotropic medications has left me more vulnerable emotionally. this persisting sickness is draining me physically. i thought a little shopping expedition would do me good. i was wrong.

i feel yet another emotional breakdown is imminent and the saddest part is i'm not sure i care anymore. about me. about anything.

another hallmark holiday

i don't anticipate that this is going to be an easy day. in fact, i've been suspecting that the reason for my deeper depression this week is because i knew this day was looming large at the end of this work week.

a holiday celebrating love and lovers. it's i'm sure a wonderful concept, and i can remember a few of these holidays in years past that i was a willing and enthusiastic participant (i can't say that michael and i were always very good at engaging in this particular holiday). the unfortunate thing is when you feel alone and your heart is broken, days like today just seem to intensify the emotion surrounding your condition. but i'll do my best to manage through.

in keeping with the spirit of the day, i'll share two songs on the subject of love -- one about seeking love, the other about having it and cherishing it. when i think about it, i guess for me personally, one is about where i am and the other is where i hope to be someday. the sad thing is that i'm realizing that even with having been in a relationship i've continued to be in this exact same space in relation to these same two songs for all of my adult life.

the real thing - bobby caldwell

and so much more - linda eder

sick again

this seems to be the winter of recurring sickness. for the umpteenth time this season i seem to be afflicted with cold/flu symptoms. i feel like i alone have surely contributed to a rise in kimberly-clark's stock price (manufacturers of kleenex for those not aware). so between a runny rose, achy muscles, alternating between feeling feverish and chills, and an emotionally depressed state that continues, i am truly miserable (actually, i think i aspire to being miserable). at any other time of life i would be thinking, "at least the weekend is almost here." unfortunately, in this period of life, the weekends seem to be when i truly suffer.

does anything last forever?

it's been a rough week emotionally. i was just listening to some old tunes this morning and this song came on. it's a song that's been around for much of my life. never before has it struck such an emotional chord as it did today. i find myself asking what's the point of love? my heart weeps and the sadness continues.

heart to heart - kenny loggins

the grind

there are just these times in our work lives where getting up, going into the office, and getting through the day seems to be this continuously wearying exercise. even now, when i find myself in the best job i've ever had, in the best organization i've ever worked for, i find myself having this kind of experience. the last couple of days have been very much emblematic of the term that has been invented to describe this experience,"the daily grind."

i'm sure it doesn't help that i'm still very much struggling emotionally -- a fact confirmed during my conversation with my primary care physician yesterday. i believe his exact phrasing was, "oh yeah, i definitely think you need to go into therapy" in response to my unpacking what i felt was only the first pieces of the emotional baggage i've been carrying. good news is he gave me a therapist. bad news is my not having the motivation to make an appointment to see him, particularly since he's not exactly close by. i also need to check in with my insurance company about who they would recommend. more to do with little to no energy to do it.

so it's tuesday and it already feels like i've been through a full work week. i don't suppose i can call in sick to life can i?

a fool's dream

the weekend is coming to a close and i find myself asking the same questions that i have been asking every weekend for the last few months, "how did i get here and what's to become of my life?" beneath the activity that makes up my daily experiences there seems to be this persistent dissatisfaction with where i am in life and an accompanying mystification of how to make a change.

tomorrow i have my annual physical and will be asking my primary care physician for a referral to a psychotherapist. it's been 20 years since my last time in counseling and i guess i may be overdue for a check-up. the irony is that when i went into therapy previously it was in part to figure out how i could get away from my desire for intimate relationship with men and now i think it will at least in part be about how to fulfill that desire. i can't help but notice that though my emotional state was very similar two decades ago, back then i was hopeful that i could be helped. this time, while i believe seeking professional assistance is the right thing to do, that sense of hopefulness is not nearly as evident.

maybe it's because i'm that much older and to some extent life seems much more indifferent to my hopes and insensitive to whatever needs i believe i have. it makes me a little sad to think about that twentysomething, who, if you asked him what he wanted he would have said to have work that is fulfilling and makes a difference, to be surrounded by supportive and caring friends, and to have someone to love deeply that loved him in the same way. to that twentysomething these all seemed to be such simple wishes. twenty years on to have all present in my life at the same time appears less like simple wishes and more like a fool's dream.