my soul screams out

my soul screams out for connection, longing for a man to come into my life who will say i understand you, i will stay with you, i will be with you, i will hold you close and my love will sustain you through this darkest night of your soul. but no one comes. it feels like no one ever will.

taking over me - evanescence

this is one way i know

this is one way i know that i am not getting better. at some point every day (and at times multiple points throughout a day), usually at night, i will think about a particular individual, and a pain like a dull knife will cut through my heart. what was once a daily stream of communication has become a dried out riverbed of silence. i try to stay in contact, sending brief messages and downloads of all the songs i post on this blog, and there is no response, no acknowledgement of my existence, where at one time there would have been.

i know people would say that i shouldn't let it bother me (actually that's what this particular person would tell me), but all i hear in my head, as the knife cuts ever deeper, are the voices that tell me that because i am broken of mind and spirit i have little use and bring no value to a relationship with this person. i have been cast aside and discarded as all broken things are, and the pain gets so great and the voices so loud at times that i wish i had a physical knife to plunge into my actual heart to just make it all stop.

yes, this is one way i know i am not getting better. the sad thing is it seems that i keep getting worse.

all that i'm living for - evanescence

how and why

every night it always comes down to the same two questions about my life. how do i keep going on? why should i keep going on? and no answers ever come.

whisper - evanescence

one by one

something i forgot to mention in yesterday's entry about my performance evaluation meeting with my boss is that as a result of the discussion we had about my depression, i've been left feeling that i've effectively eliminated any opportunity for promotion or even being assigned additional accountabilities in my current role. if i were to use an analogy, it would be that you don't give a lame mule more pack to carry. by opening the window for a view into what i characterized as my broken mental/emotional state, i feel i will now be viewed by my boss as that lame mule and the idea of giving me anymore work to lead and drive will not even be entertained any longer, let alone acted upon.

i find this development (or at least what i perceive to be what has happened) to be particularly problematic as i've known for sometime now that my ability to make a difference and have a significant impact from the work i do is limited by how my role is positioned in the organizational hierarchy. so much of what i do and hope to accomplish has to be done so far more through influence rather than authority, and while influence is always an important part of accomplishing work priorities, i'd also appreciate some of the privilege that being the one recognized as the ultimate direction-setter and decision-maker affords. and yet, i think my conversation with my boss has closed off that path if not for good, then definitely for the foreseeable future.

i suppose i could have the perspective that this may be only a temporary setback until i get better, but given that it's been two years of what has felt like declining mental health, i'm not hopeful that i will see any changes anytime soon. while i can not be certain that the kind of changes in work circumstances that i'd hoped for would improve my overall emotional state, i am fairly certain that things remaining as they are will only fuel my fatalistic outlook on life.

i go to bed every night thinking, "if only i could have some positive change come my way," but it just feels like all the roads to a better place are getting closed off one by one, leaving me stranded and alone.

broken - seether (featuring amy lee)

evaluated

yesterday afternoon i went through that annual process that no one looks forward to in the professional world, but we all must endure - the performance evaluation. my particular dread of this activity is not founded in my experience of it with my current boss but is more related to first, past bad experiences and second, a basic uneasiness about what is unknown and to some extent unpredictable.

i should share at the outset that the review went fine. of all the elements upon which i was evaluated, there was only one that i wished i had received higher marks. all in all though, i was pretty satisfied with the results. the interesting aspect of this year's evaluation was my boss expressing concern on not my performance but more my overall health. absences due to illness and my overall subdued energy level over the course of the year had become an increasing concern to not only my boss but my colleagues as well.

as a result of this expressed concern, i shared some elements of the struggle i'm having with my clinical depression. i didn't go into the full details but did speak to some of the dynamics with which i have been dealing.

i've shared here before that one of the challenges of having this condition is how little people know or understand about it. while supportive and caring, i experienced this same issue in my discussion with my boss. the same "can't you just"s and "maybe you could try"s were a part of this conversation as they have been with so many others.

while i recognize the care and desire to help, it is always a fatiguing exercise. i think the reason for this is primarily because it is having to explain a condition that ultimately is about what is broken within me, something that overwhelms and frightens me and for which there really are no easy solutions. even the experts in this realm of science don't completely understand what interventions will work and to what degree in each individual case. in short, defining a condition that you feel is killing you to people who don't really comprehend what you're experiencing is the very definition of difficult and disheartening.

needless to say, i left the office yesterday not in the best mental/emotional space. can't say i returned in all that much better a condition either.

woodburning - toad the wet sprocket

still screaming

i am only one - we are the fallen

Memories fade into the silence,
Haunting me tonight,
With hopes last breath, I take this moment in,
It will be the last.
Then morning breaks, and sunlight takes
The pain away.

Ever after never came,
And I'm still waiting for a life that never was,
And all the dreams I lay to rest,
Are ghosts that keep me, after all that I've become,
I am only one.
I am only one.

I close my eyes and bleed this empty heart
Of all that longs to die,
When faces lie and love will falter,
I'm left with only time,
And time will break the dreams that take,
The pain away.

Ever after never came,
And I'm still waiting for a love I'll never have,
And all the dreams I lay to rest,
Are ghosts that keep me, after all that I've become,
I am only one.
I am only one.

I'm on my own here, and
No-one's left to be the hero of.
This fairy tale gone wrong as
Night will fall, my heart will die alone.

Ever after never came,
And I'm still waiting for my heart to beat again.
And all the dreams I've laid to rest,
The ghosts that keep me, after all that I've become,
I am only one.
I am only one.

I am only one.

thanks for the reminder

i think everyone has their guilty pleasures. one of mine is watching reality tv programs. on my remote bravo and hgtv are my first two saved favorite channels. unfortunately, my depression has seriously affected my ability to engage much this summer and so it's been awhile since i indulged in much tv watching at all, let alone seeing what the latest season of "housewives" are up to. last night though i felt up to it and actually watched a few episodes in one version of that franchise.

as i watched the ladies of the "oc" go through their various squabbles and turmoils, there came a point in one of the episodes where one of the women was talking with her newly moved-in boyfriend about a serious matter. he was dealing with cancer and they were talking about a form of alternative medicine treatment. as they were concluding the conversation, she turned to him and said something to the effect of, "aren't you glad you're not still single and don't have to face this all alone."

as the meaning of those words sank in, i had the immediate thought of, "thanks so much for reminding us all that there is nothing worst than being single and alone when you are going through a difficult period i your life." though, as you can imagine, it was a reminder that i could have gone the rest of my life without it being brought to my attention by someone else. i seem to be managing to do so well enough on my own.

i suppose the silver lining in this is that the person delivering that message is my least favorite person on that show. too bad that the cloud surrounding it just got a little blacker and colder.

the songs i'm posting today are repeat flyers on the blog as well. they were in heavy rotation on my ipod last year, and when thinking of what song would capture my feelings about this particular situation these are the first two that came to mind. they have been my primal scream into a seemingly uncaring world, and i could use a good scream at this moment (and a good cry wouldn't be out of order as well).

so here's the first. i can bet long-time readers will be able to guess the second pretty easily.

my heart is broken - evanescence

how it is for me

one thing i've really struggled with over the past year plus (or at least it feels like i have) is fully conveying what trying to live through this depression is like. as i was preparing to post the link to the video for this morning's song, i came across the one for the song i am posting now.

naturally, i've heard this song many times before, seeing as it's from the same album as the song posted earlier, but I'd never seen the video. as i watched the story unfold, i connected pretty strongly to both the narrative and the imagery, and i ultimately thought, "well, if i continue to feel that i'm not getting across what this experience of ever encroaching madness is like, of presenting one face to the world when you are literally coming unraveled internally, i can always say, 'watch this.'"

everybody's fool - evanescence

a whole lot of "don't give a fuck"

there is a saying that, "attitude is everything." if this is indeed the case then i am utterly, royally screwed.

i was sharing with a friend in an online chat last night that every night i have this moment where i think of the next day and i am gripped with an almost hysteric level of dread about what is to come. it doesn't matter what that day may hold, the reaction is the same. this fact is particularly true during the work week.

i think the reason for this strong emotional response comes down to a belief on my part that people are going to expect me to care about whatever activity or issue in which i'm involved and truth be told i really, really don't. maybe it's the depression. maybe it's what seems like a litany of disappointments that have piled up over the course of the last couple of years. maybe it's the feeling of working and trying so hard at so many things both personally and professionally with so little positive result. maybe it's the fact that when it all comes down to it, at the end of each day i sit alone with a broken mind and crushed spirit. or maybe (and likely) it's "(e) all of the above." whatever the cause, each day has become something to get through rather than an opportunity to engage and experience.

today i woke up, looked at the calendar on my work cell phone, scanned the scheduled activities for the week and immediately thought, "that's a whole lot of i don't give a fuck right there." i don't know what it will take to change how i am feeling. i'm not really sure i believe there is anything that can (or as i said to the same friend, "i'm feeling that i'm beyond help"). and in this unknowing and disbelief, the question still remains, "how long can a person reasonably be expected to feel this way before he completely falls apart?" every day it feels like i'm on the verge and that such an occurrence is more of a "when" than an "if."

the song i'm sharing is actually making a repeat appearance on the blog. it is a song about needing an intervention to start living again. it's clear that it's where i am. what's not clear is if it's where i'm due to remain.

bring me to life - evanescence 

so far from where i need to be

yeah, this is not exactly the best time in my life.

hole - kelly clarkson

tired of everything around me
i smile, i don't feel a thing, no

i'm so far from where i need to be
i've given up on faith, on everything
all i want, all i need is some peace

there's a hole inside of me
it's so cold, slowly killing me, yeah

secrets, secret
eating at the core of me
(eating at the core of me)

you shut off, you shut off
trusting all the lies i breathe

i'm so far from where i need to be
i've given up on faith, on everything
all i wanted, all i needed was some peace, yeah

there's a hole inside of me
it's so damn cold, slowly killing me, yeah

sinking ever so slowly
so far from where i should be
no hands reaching out for me
help me, help me

something's gone, i can feel it
it's all wrong, i'm so sick of this, yeah

there's a hole inside of me
it's so cold, slowly killing me, yeah

there's a hole
(sinking ever so slowly)
inside of me
(so far from where i should be)

it's so damn cold
(no hands reaching out for me)
slowly killing me, yeah
(help me, help me)

when the heart dies

when the heart dies
the soul screams, but
no one seems to hear a sound
and there is no joy in life
left to be found

at least, that's been my experience.

jaded - aerosmith