too trusting?

there are moments when i question whether i place too much trust in people. earlier i experienced one of those moments. it doesn't feel good.

tim cook

so i've been intrigued by the latest kerfuffle regarding tim cook's (apple's coo and current acting ceo) being named to the number one position on out magazine's power list of america's 50 most influential gay men and women. it appears that because mr. cook is not widely known as being gay some people have taken umbrage at what they perceive as his apparent outing. other, i'm assuming well-meaning, people have further stated that his sexual orientation is a private matter; or alternately, who cares what his sexual preference is, and therefore, it shouldn't be commented upon.

my response is simply this, if this is your attitude, no matter how well meaning, thanks but no thanks for your "help." what people are missing in this particular case is that this is exactly how the matter of being gay should be treated. being gay is an aspect of who tim cook is, however his being on the list is not because he's gay. it's because he is a leader of arguably the most influential company in the world who is a gay man. in the write-up, there are no prurient details about his personal life -- nothing about who he's sleeping with, what clubs he frequents (if any), or what fetishes he has (again, if any). he is on the list because he's a gay man with influence -- plain and simple. the same way there are lists of the top women, african-americans, asians, etc.

no one is making a big deal about his sexual orientation, and this is how it should be. just as is the case with other groups that have similar lists, the presence of gays in positions of influence is not widely known because it is not widely reported on. hence the reason for such lists -- to increase our awareness of the diversity of individuals that contribute to and are impacting what is happening in our world. yet, it looks like if some people had their way, we would continue to ignore or cover up this aspect of people's identities and remain ignorant of their prominence in their fields of endeavor. no wonder gay youth have such a narrow view of what it means to be gay and the endless possiblities that exist for their lives.

if we want to continue to see progress toward gay equality, we need lists like this and we need all types of people to be represented. i hope tim cook understands this and that maybe someday he will be a more active participant in these kinds of recognition.

isolation

it's a strange experience i'm having these days. i feel so cut off from the world around me. some of it is by circumstance. some of it is by design.

certainly it doesn't help that i'm in a job that leaves me with little meaningful work to do and that my relationship with michael has ended, but even beyond that, i've found that when i am in an emotionally vulnerable state, i purposely tend to withdraw from the world. i'm not exactly sure why. maybe it's because these particular states are most often generated by human interaction, and so my mind associates the pain with dealing with people. as a result, i instinctively remove myself from interacting with other people to avoid further hurt.

strangely enough, i also find myself being in less contact with people i had been regularly interacting with over the past several weeks. people are busy and less accessible. that tends to happen in life. unfortunately, i seem to be spending a lot of time convincing my own fragile psyche that there is nothing more to it than that.

pushing people away and yet wishing i had someone to talk to. yes, it's a paradox. welcome to the inner workings of my mind and heart.

enervated

so today i discover that trust i've placed in certain individuals here at work likely has been misplaced. i keep wondering where, other than sleep, will i get a respite from the challenge that is my life of late. everywhere i turn there just seem to be more and more problematic situations and difficult relationships. weary does not begin to describe the state in which i find myself.

f---!

enough said.

at least

at least this is helping me reconnect with some good music.

lie low -- plumb

rejection and rage

it appears that my heart is being easily bruised these days [click on the words below for some mood music].

rejection

rage