irreconcilable

there are moments, particularly when i go through dark times, that i think i was not made for this world.

today, i was confronted with a situation at work the end result of which made me think that the world does not a just place. in this particular instance, an individual, who had committed some pretty unscrupulous acts, had gotten a promotion. at the same time, i know of many good people who have had their positions eliminated and are leaving the company. i am one of those people, and the news has pushed me off my axis of emotional well-being once again.

i thought about sharing how much the situation pains me deeply to a friend. i heard in my mind his likely response of, "well, that's just business," and it is that perspective that so many around me have that causes me to pause and question whether i really belong in this life.

so many seem so reconciled to "the way things are," and it leaves me wondering how, after half a decade, i can still be so hurt, so disappointed, so disturbed when events like the one at work today happen. it's as if, when i was formed in the womb, what ever part of my dna that's supposed to allow one's perspectives on life to adapt to accept "the way things are" either didn't fully form or just got left out all together.

i've always felt very odd and out of place in this life. i'm sure i've shared before in this blog that i sometimes (or is it often) question why was i even brought into existence, believing as i do that every life has a purpose. i keep wondering of what good am i if i get so deeply shaken and lost when encountering what i see as the darker realities of the world?

another bit of evidence i feel highlights why i don't think i was made for this world - i never get an answer to that question, and yet, i carry a belief that i should.

indifferent

i'm at one of those points that i look around and it feels that the world, that life seems so indifferent to whatever struggles i have and the resulting inner pain i'm experiencing; and i wonder, why does that bother me? i mean, why do i believe that life should develop in a way that supports and nurtures me?

perhaps it's because to believe otherwise, to accept that my life will always be about suffering mentally and emotionally in a world that is coldly unconcerned, would push me over an edge from which there would be no return.

i've been in this place before (more times than i often feel is fair for one human being to have to have experienced) and each time i seem to get closer to that edge of oblivion.

i've never looked over the edge. it frightens me. i worry that in doing so i will see an illusion of welcoming relief that will lure me over and away from existence.

i have read and heard about so many people with seemingly more fulfilling lives than mine who have done so. i do not want to follow them, but i believe i understand why they made that fatal step.

one day they looked up with all the hurt they'd endured for so long, looked around and saw a world that seemed indifferent to their experience, and then looked over the edge and thought, "could that really be any worse than what i'm experiencing now?"

i do not know the answer to that question; and, as i think it should be, i would rather the answer find me than seek it out myself.

frequency

what do you do when the only channel that seems to be coming through to your mind is the one attuned to all of the pain you've experienced in life? how do you have the belief that you can make it through the next day when all you've done in the current one is relive so many of the hurtful episodes that have occurred over the span of your life? who do you trust when the only signal you're picking up on is the one that reminds you of the loss of relationships that you believed in and trusted and the deepening of the sense of rejection that has resulted? where do you go when at every turn you see in your mind's eye every attempt at starting again to make a better life ending in yet another disappointment? and all i seem to ever be able to do at times like these is wonder, why does this keep happening to me?