a fundamental complication

i was watching one of my favorite television programs house hunters the other night, and the focus of that particular episode was on the home buying search of a gay couple. at the outset of the episode, as is the practice of this program, we were provided a quick bio of the couple -- who they were, where they were from, what they did for a living, and how they met. on this last point, they indicated that they had met via match.com (an interesting side note is there was actually a commercial for match.com during the program featuring this same couple and their appearance on this program. an interesting bit of cross-promotion it was).

today, as i was walking to get my lunch, this episode came to mind for some reason. i thought about how the couple had met and my own recent struggles with feeling lonely and in need of companionship. as a way of addressing this situation, i thought, "maybe i should try match.com or some similar site to meet someone."

now, i've shared over the past few weeks (and particularly in yesterday's entry) that the current emotional pain resulting from the shifting dynamics of my friendship with sean have made me quite reluctant (one might say resistant) to the idea of pursuing any relationships with men of any kind. however, i think there is an even more fundamental complication to my solving my lack of companionship dilemma.

simply put, i'm not looking for a boyfriend (or partner or husband or significant other). i'm looking for a close friendship in which physical intimacy is a part of the package -- the popularly termed "friend with benefits."

and so the challenge is where does one go to find one of these types of relationship when the basic dichotomy among gay men is that most are either looking for a husband or a hook-up. on the one end we have dating sites like match.com or chemistry or zoosk that are about meeting mr. right. on the other end, we have apps like grindr or scruff or manhunt that are about meeting mr. right this minute (and don't stay a moment longer) with nothing filling the gap in between (by the way, zoosk can claim all they want that "first comes like," but i can pretty much guarantee that any profile that says, "i'm just looking for friends with benefits" isn't going to get many hits).

with this kind of environment, finding what i'm seeking seems almost impossible (and certainly using either solution detailed above looks like a recipe for disaster).

i suppose i could continue to just let life play out and let whoever the right guys are come into my life at the time they're supposed to. this is the path i've been on and likely will continue (seeing no viable alternatives) to trod. still, two years of looking and even attempting to cultivate such a relationship with a few guys, all with little to no success, have led me to question if this desired form of friendship will ever come to pass in my life.

and so, i continue to ask myself, god, the universe the same question. why is it that, when it doesn't seem as if i'm asking for much, it is so difficult to have this particular need fulfilled? 

indeed i don't

back in the place where my belief in lasting relationships and my trust in the fidelity of men has left me.

back to feeling foolish for opening my heart and trusting.

back to questioning what difference does it make that i try my best to do good, be generous and give love in this world.

back to a broken heart and shattered dreams.

back to not knowing where to go from here.

back to not being sure it really matters.

don't want to be a fool - luther vandross