just here

i noticed as i was queueing up this entry that this is actually the 500th entry i've made on this blog. i paused for a moment and thought that maybe i should save such a momentous milestone for more significant (and certainly happier) subject matter. then i thought, who knows how long it will take before said subject presents itself plus it does seem that, for this particular blog, it would be appropriate to have an entry that's really about something simple and somber.

so these past few mornings i've woken up in this mood that is neither happy or sad, neither elated or depressed, neither enthusiastic or apprehensive about life. now not having the negative feelings is probably a good thing and not having the positive feelings is not necessarily a bad thing, but i can't exactly say i'm enjoying the combination. i think my dissatisfaction has to do with the fact that i prefer to feel engaged and fulfilled by life -- knowing at the core of who i am that my life has meaning and purpose and that i am making a difference no matter how small. this feeling of being just here occupying space is frankly not really working for me at the moment (well, it never has and never will).

it's a shame really to be in this state. what's even worse is i'm not exactly sure why i am. and worse than that (and i'm sure you saw this coming) is i have no idea how to move on from here. i guess it's a good thing i have a session with dr. s this afternoon. i think he's going to be earning his money today.