days of angst

this is likely to be a short and quite rambling post. i have no specific event, issue, or activity to articulate and dissect save the fact that i find myself in a general state of angst and well discombobulation. i know the things i should be doing, and i am slowly but surely managing my way through the list, but i still feel that somehow i'm not doing enough or the right stuff. i'm also feeling like life is very murky now, so i don't think i'm entirely sure what all comprises "the right stuff." 

for example, i've never been in a situation at work where i have been so much of a lame duck. the new boss is scheduling meetings with my peers in which i am not included. in part that makes sense as they are focused on the future, and i am part of the past. still, after having spending 8 months feeling insignificant in my role, i suppose i'd hoped i would go out with a sense of greater relevance to the work at hand not less. likely it was a foolish hope, but it was there none the less. actually, something similar happened when i left my previous job. instead of being engaged for any parting insights and wisdom about the future direction of the organization, i was asked to help rewrite a paper done by our summer interns and to facilitate some meeting. so i guess that's the general theme when people know you're leaving. still, i see the beginning of changes in how we operate even now start to take form, and i feel an uneasiness about what will take place and the affects on those that i leave behind.

then there are the issues of relocating. i've been waiting for information about how that process will take place and have only today received assurances that the information will be forthcoming in the next day or so. likely plenty of time to get things in order, but i'm a planner by nature. i like to see what's coming well in advance of it's arrival and know my place in what's going to transpire. it's not that ambiguity makes me uncomfortable, it's just that i'd also like to have some sense that there will be eventual clarity and a general time frame for when that clarity will be coming (so i guess i'm ok with ambiguity within limits).

and maybe that last parenthetical comment is the crux of it all. there are no limits yet apparent as to when the ambiguity of my life will become fully clear. major change is just like that. all i can do is just try my best to remain a fully engaged, active participant in the shaping of my own life, knowing (hoping?) that in time the form and substance of what is being shaped will become clearer -- just in time for the next change.