stumbling over a past hurt

it's an interesting fact of life that no matter how well you think you're doing in progressing past some challenge or painful situation you've experienced, a certain moment can come along and remind you that at least some of that hurt is still very much with you. i had two such moments this past saturday.

the first moment involved my mother and i shared my thoughts about it in my last blog entry. the second came right on the heels of the first (within an hour or so), and this one involved my ex-partner michael.

as i was on the living room couch, processing the not so pleasant discussion i had just had with my mother and counting the seconds until her imminent departure, i decided to check my email. scanning the list of messages, my eyes caught an email from michael with a declaration in the subject line that the message was urgent. opening it, i discovered a request from michael that he wanted to speak to me about a matter involving his new boyfriend charles. i won't go into explicit detail about the issue save to state that it involved a serious accusation that had been made against charles regarding potential criminal behavior. rather than engage in an actual phone conversation, i sent an email response letting him know that i was in the midst of a visit with my mother and speaking with him would be difficult. i instead offered some words of advice about how to move forward and some encouragement that things would turn out alright.

later in the day, as i was on my way back from dropping mom off at the airport, i started thinking about the request from michael. i have to admit that i was more than a mite bit frustrated by the notion of michael wanting to involve me in a matter that involved his new lover. the more i thought about the situation, the more peeved i became. it was in this moment of reflection that i stumbled over that past hurt. i realized that as much as i've tried to move on and be gracious and positive about michael's finding someone new, the rapidity with which he had secured a new love in his life and the happiness that he is currently experiencing as a result when contrasted with my own feelings of isolation and sadness, well, that dynamic was still causing me some emotional pain. not severe pain mind you but certainly more than a minor ache.

and as i sit here committing my feelings to this digital page, i wonder, "what will it take to dislodge this pain and whatever that is, how long will it take to manifest?" patiently waiting has never been my strong suit. that task is doubly hard when i'm not exactly clear on what i'm waiting for.