we came this close

so today is the last day of my mother's visit and we almost got through an entire visit without some negative commentary about my "lifestyle" being made on her part. almost but not quite, for this morning on the way to breakfast, she decided to bring up again the subject of the end of my relationship with michael.

i had hoped to get through the visit without even discussing that michael and i were no longer together as i had felt no need to share it. it's not as if in the 12 years that michael and i were in some form of relationship that she had ever met him, and i can count on one hand the number of conversations we've had in that time about him. plus, i knew the news of our not being together would delight her -- not because of the issues in my relationship with michael, but because she has an issue with my being in any relationship with any man. unfortunately, when she was asking probing questions to confirm what i believe she already suspected about the status of my relationship with michael, i had to relinquish the information that she was seeking. as i shared in a brief chat with sean this morning, she somehow managed to restrain herself from doing cartwheels when i shared that michael and i had indeed broken up back in October.

and so today she thought it would be a good idea to follow up that conversation with the fact that she had an issue with my continuing to provide michael with some temporary financial support (support that will be ending next year). after a few moments of back and forth on that, i had to say that we needed to stop talking about what was already a difficult situation. from there she then was compelled to share the guilt she felt over how her actions had contributed to the lifestyle i was leading. rather than engage her in that conversation, i chose to just say that she shouldn't feel guilty. her response was that there was nothing she could do about it but pray. and i replied that prayer is always appreciated. that conversation ended then and there and i started to count the minutes until i would be dropping her off at the airport later this afternoon.

someday, i would like her to apologize for how she contributed to the struggles i've had with my self-esteem and how the fact that she was so negative about people being gay robbed me of the ability to come to terms with who i am much earlier in life. perhaps with that difference in my life, my present circumstances would be much different in a positive way. now that would be a conversation i would be willing to engage in.