how are you doing?

it's a question, the variation of which we get asked many times a day in many different ways. Whether through in-person conversations, phone calls, texts, emails, and even the occasional card or letter, this one inquiry is sure to emerge at some point in the course of daily living no matter the duration or depth of the particular interaction.

it's a simple enough question really. it's also one i dread each and every day, each and every time it occurs. why you may ask? well, primarily because i have been enduring pretty much the same state of mind, emotion, and circumstances for the past two years. it has been a time filled with almost entirely low moments and very few good moments. serious depression can be like that. as a result, every time i am asked that question, i am faced with the dilemma of how to answer it.

certainly, i can lie (and at times do) and say i am fine or ok or even (total lie) doing great. i can do that, but who really enjoys lying that much outside of politics?

i could answer honestly, but i've come to learn over the course of these two years that even those who profess to care about you reach certain limits in terms of hearing day after day that you are not doing well. i would imagine the threshold is even lower for casual acquaintances and work colleagues (or perhaps even readers of a certain blog). and as i shared with one friend recently, the admonitions that my honesty elicits of "you need to think positively" just serve to make me feel that i am to blame for the condition that i am experiencing -- that i am not trying hard enough, that if only i would make an effort to meet people or engage in some activity then i would feel better. and i just end up feeling isolated and alone (which kind of reminds me of the same struggle i experienced regarding my sexual orientation back when i was in the evangelical christian world -- if only i would pray hard enough, be strong and resist temptation, i would be healed of this dreaded affliction. yeah, i was pretty miserable back then too).

so what do i do when asked this most common of questions? other than the aforementioned lying, more often than not, i just say, "oh, i'm hanging in there," and leave it at that. then i deflect to asking about the other person because there's no quicker way to get the focus off of you than to ask someone about themselves. most people love to share how they are doing, particularly when life is going well for them (and with some folks, even when it's not).

there are times admittedly when i almost wish that people wouldn't ask me the question. and therein lies the conundrum because i know that if people stopped i would wonder, "don't they care about me anymore?" (cue the recurring feelings of being isolated and alone, unwanted and unloved).

i've shared numerous times that this kind of existence is wearing away bit by bit, like the slow erosion of a beachfront by the persistent tide of the ocean. still it does provide for the development of a certain skill set.

i've posted the song below on here before and yet i do so again because there is a particular lyric i think of every time i've answered the question that is the title of this blog entry in a way that is far from truthful. "how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself" indeed.

eight easy steps - alanis morissette