on the other side

yesterday afternoon i was having a conversation with a friend/colleague about the dismal state of affairs in our organization. this individual knows of my likely impending departure and has been very enthusiastic and supportive. well, the course of the conversation did little to help my depressed state, and i basically told him that i found the whole thing to be discouraging. he then stated that i should feel happy because i'm getting to move on to a great new opportunity. now, setting aside the fact that my "moving on" is not yet official, as much as i appreciate and am grateful for the opportunity, i've had the experience that even the best job situation can change seemingly overnight. people leave, new people come in and what was a great job can turn into a nightmare. still be that as it may, there's an even more interesting twist to this.

my friend/colleague also has a strong desire to leave and has been living vicariously through me as i've been going through the new job process. having observed my depressed state over the past several weeks, yesterday, he was telling me that he wants me to be more excited about what's to come. i think in part that comes from his own depression about what is transpiring and that he doesn't have an exit strategy at this time. the reason why i found this situation interesting is that my depression is not just based on work but is equally founded in the disruption in my own home life, namely the break-up with my ex and no reasonable prospects for a significant love relationship on the horizon. it's in that dimension of life that our roles become reversed. i look at his home life with some degree of envy. he has a wonderful wife and children. they have lived in their community for several decades and they just have a rich and full, loving home. my life feels very empty by comparison.

segue to an online chat yesterday evening. somehow the topic of my relationship with my mother came up.  more specifically the discussion focused on her lack of acceptance of the fact that i'm gay. during the course of the dialogue, my well-meaning chat partner was coming up with all kinds of suggestions of what i should do to alter the situation. i get that a lot when the subject comes up actually. i blame it in part on all of the media portrayals of parents reconciling with and accepting their gay children. it's a lovely image, but as i told this friend, i don't see this particular situation having a lifetime/hallmark movie ending.

the crux of the matter is my mother is an evangelical christian, and as is characteristic of people of that ilk, she allows much of her worldview to be informed and shaped by the ministers in that faith tradition. my friend even made the statement that she needs to be exposed to gay men to change her mind. my response was simply that if my mother would choose to believe other people, i.e., the gay opposing pastors of her faith, rather than the lived experience of her own son, then i wasn't quite sure what other gay men were going to be able to shift her perspective on the matter.

this fact has always been the most deeply painful aspect of my relationship with my mother. it's very much as if our relationship is a living example of that mathematical concept that this friend reminded me of in another conversation. it's the one where if two people are standing apart from each other and keep halving the distance between them, they will eventually get very close but will never touch. that's us, my mother and me. two individuals bound by blood but always separated by at least half.

so yesterday two different conversations. each reminding me of how people looking into my life try to find some light.  and how, from the vantage point of the inside looking out, the view is quite cloudy.