on men

it's been yet another tough weekend of questioning. yet again i've come up against the fundamental struggle i have with this intrinsic belief that when it comes to men i am unwanted and unloved. the more i care for one, the more i am convinced that he will either not engage or disengage and leave me.

it is not a good life perspective for one to have when one is a gay man, where the company and love of men are part of your goal for life fulfillment. yet this belief seems to remain embedded in my psyche.

i think a part of me hopes that life experience will shake it loose but as of this writing, all life experience has seem to do is allow it to root even deeper into my soul -- from not knowing my father and the belief that his absence had something to do with there being something wrong with me, to childhood taunts about being different, to listening to male preachers denouncing who i am, to some male friends distancing themselves when i came out. to failures at initiating love, to the falling apart of my relationship with michael. all of these and more have served as ample evidence for my inner critic to use against me with respect to the unlikelihood of my having any type of successful relationship with another man, be it friendship, dating, or committed.

i have commented before on the torment that is brought about by desiring something and not believing that it can be yours. this past weekend has been that torment writ large. as previously stated, i keep waiting for life to bring me another version of this story. thus far my waiting seems to be in vain.

and so here's another song from sara that captures quiet eloquently some of the dynamic related to this underlying struggle.

hold my heart - sara bareilles