heralding a new day

Trump LOSES IT on reporter in unhinged episode

what a terrible thing to realize....

as is likely the case with many of you, i have several playlists created in apple music (formerly known as itunes). every now and again, i like to listen to one playing as i soak in a nice, hot bath. tonight was such an occasion and i decided i would listen to a selection of some of my favorite songs from broadway shows and movie soundtracks. as i was listening, i started to notice that many of the songs were about finding love; and i felt a stirring in my heart that, though it's been a long-time since i'd experienced it, i still knew what it was - the desire for love. 

after what feels like an adult life filled with failed attempts to find a true, abiding love, i guess i assumed that feeling had died out. after i sat with this feeling for a bit, i couldn't help but think what a terrible thing to realize that you do still want to have someone to love in your life when you are at an age that the prospects of doing so seem so limited and the odds of finding that right person feel stacked against you. 

i think it's going to be a challenging night. 

a good man - may we be worthy to have him lead us

a response

i know this song has a different meaning, but for me, whenever i hear it, i see me appearing at the door of life and sharing this as my response to how life is overwhelming me at this time. it's really hard.

winning?

every day i struggle with thoughts about the painful struggle my life has become, and i question how long can i continue. finally, as i'm climbing into bed, i do my best to push these thoughts aside. i take a pill, and i fall asleep. i wake up the next morning a brand new day before me. they say that just making it to the next day is a victory, but as i think about dealing with yet another day that i know will be the same struggle again, i wonder, "did i win or did i lose?"

some good news

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/15/us/gay-transgender-workers-supreme-court.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

at least i'm alive

i thought about entitling this  "dedicated to the 'walk out' guys" because the first set of lyrics so perfectly match those situations. this song will be in regular rotation as will the entire album. thank you gaga. i think many of us desperately needed this album at this time.

life in the ruins

the end of each day is the same. i turn off the tv in the living room. i head upstairs to my bedroom. i draw a hot bath, and when it's ready, i take a long soak. during what should ideally be a moment of respite, instead, i invariably think about all the wrong decisions i've made that have led to this ruin of a life.

i'll think about deciding in college what my life's work would be; in choosing my major, at my mother's insistence, i selected one in the sciences when i should have been an english major - a subject not only in which i excelled but also enjoyed immensely. oh, what was my mother's rationale?simply that i would have an easier time finding a well-paying job. somewhat ironic given my having a couple of stints of unemployment -- the latest for almost a year.

i think about all of the relationships of all types with men that i've had. how eventually they broke apart with the common thread being that the vast majority of these men left suddenly and without a backwards glance.

i think of all the people in whom i wrongly placed my trust (many in the previously written paragraph).

i think of being in environments that were harmful to my acceptance of my full identity as a gay man until much later in life and all the years lost to the potential of finding a sustained, healthy and loving relationship that resulted.

i think about the great struggles i've had with depression and either the wrong choices that i've made or the lack of agency that came about from these episodes. there is likely no greater pain for a cerebral person than to have his brain, the very source of his thoughts and insights, betray him so utterly and completely.

by now the water has cooled and it's time to leave the bath and get dressed for bed. i read a bit and then take a pill to help me sleep through the night. thanks to this pharmaceutical assistance, sleep comes quickly, but not before i wonder, "how long can one really continue to live a life in the ruins?"

shriveling

we all know that plants left in a very dark place will eventually shrivel up and die. i think the same can be said for the human soul. it's been very dark for a very long time.

at least....

i just realized that my life - alone, unemployed, struggling with depression - is what other people are using as a comparative to make themselves feel better about their own. i guess i should be glad to be of service at this difficult time in the world.

#tryingmybest

hi, my name is clarence. i've dealt with chronic depression for 30+ years. i feel my soul is broken and find it hard to believe life will get any better, but i'm #tryingmybest.

mama don't know

when feeling isolated is not only about being confined to one's home

from the nightmare that i call myself

for my epitaph

"he had a tendency to trust the wrong people."

it's funny how these things find you

last night, as i was reading in bed, i came across the following statements. it's a perfect summation of how i feel about my life right now. it is funny how these things find you when you're least expecting them.

"Carson [McCullers] had expressed it herself in The Heart is a Lonely Hunter: 'All of us here know what it is to suffer for real need. That is a great injustice. But there is one injustice bitterer even than that -- to be denied the right to work according to one's ability. To labor a lifetime uselessly. To be denied the chance to serve. It is far better for the profits of our purse to be taken from us than to be robbed of the riches of our minds and souls.'"

From the book February House: The Story of W. H. Auden, Carson McCullers, Jane and Paul Bowles, Benjamin Britten, and Gypsy Rose Lee, Under One Roof in Brooklyn by Sherill Tippins

it is