from the nightmare that i call myself

for my epitaph

"he had a tendency to trust the wrong people."

it's funny how these things find you

last night, as i was reading in bed, i came across the following statements. it's a perfect summation of how i feel about my life right now. it is funny how these things find you when you're least expecting them.

"Carson [McCullers] had expressed it herself in The Heart is a Lonely Hunter: 'All of us here know what it is to suffer for real need. That is a great injustice. But there is one injustice bitterer even than that -- to be denied the right to work according to one's ability. To labor a lifetime uselessly. To be denied the chance to serve. It is far better for the profits of our purse to be taken from us than to be robbed of the riches of our minds and souls.'"

From the book February House: The Story of W. H. Auden, Carson McCullers, Jane and Paul Bowles, Benjamin Britten, and Gypsy Rose Lee, Under One Roof in Brooklyn by Sherill Tippins

it is

good friends

which way to go

but when ...?

for the first time in my life, i have been able to make a room in my home an office/study. true to form it is filled with all kinds of objects that reflect the things that interest me, many of which i've collected over many, many years. recently, i found a group of "fortunes" collected in a mug that i'd saved from fortune cookies that i'd consumed in years past.

clearly, i kept them as they provided encouragement that i must have needed at various times in my life. as i read them, i realized they had a particular resonance to what i'm experiencing in life now, so i put them all on a small piece of paper and have them on my desk blotter. here's what they say:

"there is no doubt you will lead a good life"

"you will overcome difficult times"

"you will discover new strength in an ongoing battle"

"your ability for accomplishment will follow with success"

so there they are, sitting where they can be a daily inspiration during this time of struggle. and yet that's the thing. how do i stay encouraged when all of these statements continue to be about things that will happen for me? when will i ever get to the point that i look at my life and see that they have happened for me? when?