once more into the breach

i recently completed one of those assessments that tell you what your strengths are. as part of the process, the report that explains your strengths provides ideas of actions one can take "to maximize your potential." For one of my strengths, the encouragement was to "take time to write." when i read that, i immediately thought of this blog and well, with a quick update of the layout theme, i'm giving it (yet) another go of attempting to write regularly in this online journal (i'm happy to see blogger hasn't evicted me for abandonment of property).

so i guess i should start with an update on the latest for me. well, i still haven't found a permanent job though i've come close a few times. i am, however, working. i'm doing a consulting gig with an organization in the southeast, so yes, i find myself (yet) again in a new city, wondering when my life will ever settle down, when will i find "home." the experience though has been a good one as it's allowed me to do the type of work that ii really enjoy doing with a great team of people. it's just good to be doing some productive again.

at the same time, i've been recently reminded of some long past hurts that based on the depressive episode that the memories have triggered, i am definitely not quite healed. it started with an encounter with a guy i was interacting with through social media, which took an unfortunate turn, and then led to the recollection of the number of similar experiences that i've had -- sean and bobby being the most significant of those (but there are others). this then led me to remembrances of my failure in relationships from the "real world" -- michael and jonathan being the most significant of those (but, alas, there are others). and from it all i've realized that i still want intimate relationship in my life though have no clue how to make it happen and a growing doubt that as my time on this planet continues to lengthen, i will ever experience the meaningful companionship i desire. and so i'm doing my best to manage through yet another a mental health quagmire.

so, as you can see, not much has changed with me. so how have you been?

unwanted reprise

it is a feeling that has haunted me much of my life. it is a feeling that used to be isolated to my "personal" life, but now, with the the struggles to find a permanent job role over the past two plus years, it has consumed my "professional" life as well. and with this consumption, it now feels that there is no aspect of my life in which i feel well or welcome in this world. it has been the darkest period of my life -- one in which i have never felt more alone or forgotten, never more unwanted.

a prayer for daily survival

dear Lord,

in this time of daily struggle, help me to believe

life is worth living

i still can contribute

others will see my value

i am still loved

i will move beyond surviving to thriving

Lord have mercy

Christ have mercy

amen

heralding a new day

Trump LOSES IT on reporter in unhinged episode

what a terrible thing to realize....

as is likely the case with many of you, i have several playlists created in apple music (formerly known as itunes). every now and again, i like to listen to one playing as i soak in a nice, hot bath. tonight was such an occasion and i decided i would listen to a selection of some of my favorite songs from broadway shows and movie soundtracks. as i was listening, i started to notice that many of the songs were about finding love; and i felt a stirring in my heart that, though it's been a long-time since i'd experienced it, i still knew what it was - the desire for love. 

after what feels like an adult life filled with failed attempts to find a true, abiding love, i guess i assumed that feeling had died out. after i sat with this feeling for a bit, i couldn't help but think what a terrible thing to realize that you do still want to have someone to love in your life when you are at an age that the prospects of doing so seem so limited and the odds of finding that right person feel stacked against you. 

i think it's going to be a challenging night. 

a good man - may we be worthy to have him lead us