a good man - may we be worthy to have him lead us

a response

i know this song has a different meaning, but for me, whenever i hear it, i see me appearing at the door of life and sharing this as my response to how life is overwhelming me at this time. it's really hard.

winning?

every day i struggle with thoughts about the painful struggle my life has become, and i question how long can i continue. finally, as i'm climbing into bed, i do my best to push these thoughts aside. i take a pill, and i fall asleep. i wake up the next morning a brand new day before me. they say that just making it to the next day is a victory, but as i think about dealing with yet another day that i know will be the same struggle again, i wonder, "did i win or did i lose?"

some good news

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/15/us/gay-transgender-workers-supreme-court.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

at least i'm alive

i thought about entitling this  "dedicated to the 'walk out' guys" because the first set of lyrics so perfectly match those situations. this song will be in regular rotation as will the entire album. thank you gaga. i think many of us desperately needed this album at this time.

life in the ruins

the end of each day is the same. i turn off the tv in the living room. i head upstairs to my bedroom. i draw a hot bath, and when it's ready, i take a long soak. during what should ideally be a moment of respite, instead, i invariably think about all the wrong decisions i've made that have led to this ruin of a life.

i'll think about deciding in college what my life's work would be; in choosing my major, at my mother's insistence, i selected one in the sciences when i should have been an english major - a subject not only in which i excelled but also enjoyed immensely. oh, what was my mother's rationale?simply that i would have an easier time finding a well-paying job. somewhat ironic given my having a couple of stints of unemployment -- the latest for almost a year.

i think about all of the relationships of all types with men that i've had. how eventually they broke apart with the common thread being that the vast majority of these men left suddenly and without a backwards glance.

i think of all the people in whom i wrongly placed my trust (many in the previously written paragraph).

i think of being in environments that were harmful to my acceptance of my full identity as a gay man until much later in life and all the years lost to the potential of finding a sustained, healthy and loving relationship that resulted.

i think about the great struggles i've had with depression and either the wrong choices that i've made or the lack of agency that came about from these episodes. there is likely no greater pain for a cerebral person than to have his brain, the very source of his thoughts and insights, betray him so utterly and completely.

by now the water has cooled and it's time to leave the bath and get dressed for bed. i read a bit and then take a pill to help me sleep through the night. thanks to this pharmaceutical assistance, sleep comes quickly, but not before i wonder, "how long can one really continue to live a life in the ruins?"

shriveling

we all know that plants left in a very dark place will eventually shrivel up and die. i think the same can be said for the human soul. it's been very dark for a very long time.