aging out?

there have been times of late (yesterday being one) that i am reminded that this year i turned 50. sometimes it is just a passing thought. other times (like yesterday) that reminder becomes the source of some pain or angst. i think what brought on the thought was the same pondering on uncertainty in my life that resulted in yesterday's entry. call it a corollary thought if you will.

anyway, with the recognition of my advanced age, i started wondering if, because i am a half century old, all the things that i have hoped for in work, relationship and life in general were quickly becoming out of reach for me. i wondered if was aging out from the opportunity to have the kind of fulfilled life that i've wanted, truly, for as long as i can remember (i mean i was drawing pictures of a future with a family, a house and a white picket fence when i was in second grade).

part of the reason for my concern is likely the fact that within an already youth obsessed broader culture is an even more youth focused gay culture. When twentysomething gay men are referring to thirtysomethings as "daddy" then i'm not only over the hill; i'm over the hill down the road and in a ditch somewhere.

it's not about wanting to be attractive to or desired by guys in their twenties. it's the about the fact that whenever i've gone through difficult times of dissatisfaction with my life, one of the things that has always gotten me through is the belief that i had enough time for my life to get better. now, there's this nagging feeling that maybe i've missed my chances for living a contented life. in other words, there's this perspective that if time hasn't run out completely, it's vanishing rapidly.

punctuating this point was a moment i had in the car yesterday. i was listening to a radio program and the hosts were discussing the life of a famous singer. as they were concluding the segment, they shared that this particular singer had died at 60 years old from cancer. next, the presenting host commented something to the effect of, "it's such a shame too because she never had the happy life that she so wanted."

with that expressed thought, i was reminded that not everything we want in life happens. there are lives where there are no happy endings and pain and disappointment are all that have been experienced. my blood runs cold at the thought that this might be my life, no matter how much i wish and hope and try for it not to be so.

time for another song. same artist. same album. same need for encouragement in the midst of uncertainty.

it's better not to know - amy grant (feat. vince gill)