you don't know this man

 a couple of weeks ago, i had a phone conversation with my mother. i shared with her, for the first time, about the serious depression i had been experiencing for the past two years. you may ask why i waited so long to share my condition with her. in all candor, i've hesitated because i had feared her reaction. well, i can assure you that she did not disappoint.

immediately upon sharing my struggles with my brain chemistry, she shared that i needed to find a church. she then followed up with her opinion that, "what i really needed was god." when i shared that my issues with depression go back to my twenties, she asked if i thought my struggles with my "lifestyle" was the cause. at the time i thought she was asking if my wrestling with my accepting my sexual orientation had prompted my depression. upon further reflection, taking into her volunteering that my life was obviously bereft of any religious support or the love of god, i realized she was sharing the typical evangelical christian perspective that lgbt people have miserable lives. as you can imagine, the conversation was a great time for me. it was topped off by her expressing her thanks for my sharing because it meant that she no longer needed to be concerned that my lack of engagement in our relationship had anything to do with her.

about a week ago, i was thinking about that conversation and how it reminded me of her continued dissatisfaction with my being gay, which continues to sadden me. i then thought of another conversation that happened a year or so ago. at that time i was letting her know about some added responsibility i was given at work. she asked me what i was making salary wise and from her reaction i could tell that she was pleased. she then stated that she was very proud of me.

i couldn't help but be struck by the contrast in the conversations, and how two characteristics elicited such different reactions. in both cases, i recognized that my mother hadn't focused on what i believe is more important. her disappointment with me shouldn't come from my desire to experience love and meaningful relationship from men nor should her pride be engendered by the fact that i have a good job. her opinions of the quality of my life should be based on how i live my life. do i try to be kind and generous. do i extend love and support into all my relationships. do i attempt to do my best in work that makes a difference in bettering the world around me. in another words, to borrow a phrase from one of the greatest speeches delivered in the 20th century, how my mother feels about me should be about "the content of my character."

i heard the song i'm posting on a recent car drive. it's from the musical parade which tells the story of a shameful incident in american history. it's a song that reflects my feelings about my mother's view of me as she chooses to hold to unfortunate perspectives about what it means to be gay.

you don't know this man - audra mcdonald