uncertainty. i think this is the word that best describes my feelings about my life at the moment; and, as i've written quite a few times of late, being in this state is driving me crazy. i can live with a certain degree of ambiguity, but to have every aspect of life feeling as if it's up in the air is taxing me to the extreme.
naturally, my nature has been to want to "fix" it. i want to assess the issue, develop a plan, work the plan, and reach my desired outcome. i recognize that many of the people i know would respond to that statement with, "ok, go ahead and do that." believe me i wish i could. i really do. what's stopping me? well, i think it's a few things.
first, being in a depressed emotional state for the past two years has not exactly been the best foundation from which to deal with a life that feels it's in chaos. in fact, it's probably the depression that has contributed to my seeing my life in this way.
second, i've never really been very adept at dealing with interpersonal relationship issues, which are a great part of the current struggles. the difficulty i have in managing my way through these challenges is so great that i tend to become very primal about my reactions to disappointments and hurts in this space. it's "fight or flight" when one gets into that kind of state, and, by in large, my instinct is to run as far and fast as i can.
as recounted in a previous recent entry, i've had a recent disappointment in one friendship, and last night i have to admit that the thought of putting on those running shoes did come to mind. i'm going to stay put, but in doing so, the ever present fear looms large that that while i maintain the course, he's going to leave me behind, maintaining what feels like his slow and unrelenting walk out of my life.
third, and forgive my internal anglophile for coming out, i have no bloody idea where to even begin. it just all seems like too much at once -- work, loneliness, relationship dynamics (both family and friends) that i don't understand and wish so much could be different, dealing with an ex that persists in wanting support from me (both emotional and financial) and the list goes on.
i was thinking the other day, as i was walking to the parking garage at work, about this almost insatiable need i continue to have for something really good to happen in my life (and soon). i realized that the reason i've concentrated so much on that happening at work is that it seems that a work change (in the form of a promotional opportunity that provides more authority) is the easiest place for that something really good to happen.
it just seems to me that if that positive change happens there, then maybe that can be the first rung of the ladder by which i can pull myself out of this pit of uncertainty within which i've become so deeply mired. and with one pull up, maybe another rung will emerge, and then another and hopefully before i know it i will be out of the pit and in the midst of a more fulfilling life.
if this path is indeed a part of my future, i just hope i have the strength to to continue through what has seemed to be a very, very long wait.
speaking of perseverance in the face of uncertainty, here's a song that i hope will help me (and you if you need it) to find some encouragement to hang in there.
not giving up - amy grant
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