marin mazzie - back to before (ragtime) July 4, 1998

ii was reminded of this performance tonight and wanted to share it here as a tribute to a phenomenal talent who left us way too soon.

what i regret most

a few months ago i wrote an entry in which i referred to a past friendship with parenthetical commentary that there was more to be reflected on about that relationship and that "perhaps" I might do so someday. consider this entry a fulfillment of that "perhaps" (at least partially). this entry, as alluded to by the title, is a brief reflection on one of the statements i made in that previous entry, which was, simply put, that i regret that the dysfunctional dynamics of the relationship did not allow for that person to experience me at my best. 

it is what i regret most as i believe that at my best i can be a pretty great person to know. and at his best i think the same may be able to be said about him. it is indeed regretful that two "great people to know" didn't get to have that great experience with one another. 

i recognize that i am not solely at fault for what went wrong with the friendship as he provided ample fuel to my insecurities by his own duplicities. even so, i am still ultimately accountable for how i reacted and for whatever pain, anxiety, or stress that i may have caused him as a result, i am truly sorry. 

i hope that somehow, someday, by some means, he is able to know that.

the subtext

if a james taylor song is the main theme of this blog, i think it makes sense that given the content of this song and my regard for this particular artist, that this song would most accurately reflect the subtext that has emerged over the years.

a song for easter

a song for easter that expresses all that i've ever really wanted from a life of faith.

the expectation of happiness

i had this friend at one time (at least i think he was a friend; the reflections in the intervening years on the complications involved in and eventual dissolution of that relationship are what have caused me to question that belief). anyway, let's just say then that i knew this guy once, who, whenever we talked about his feelings about life, the universe, and everything, it was quite clear that, from his vantage point, life was something to be gotten through; there might be moments of enjoyment, but for the most part, life was not about trying to be happy. for whatever reason, through whatever experiences,  (which i never really learned much about; the fact, as i learned years later, that much of what he shared with me about his life was a fabrication, may have something to do with that and is a story for another time, perhaps), he had lost the expectation to be happy in life.

his somewhat melancholy outlook always made me a little sad whenever it appeared, and for a time i truly wanted to help with that, but i see now (again, from that time spent in reflection, i guess more like a post-mortem, on that relationship) that our mutual brokenness did not allow for me to be of much help. the fact that he was not honest with me about who he was created all kinds of barriers and misunderstandings that made our ability to have a truly supportive friendship with one another impossible. in fact, i think the dynamic set off so many emotional triggers for me, that he often experienced me at my worst rather than at my best -- again, a reflection for another time, perhaps.

now, as i have recently entered the first year of another decade of my life on this planet, i find myself in exactly the same place he was all those years ago. i, too, have lost my expectation of happiness, and i cannot fathom how it will ever return. or even more concerning, how i will ever be able to navigate whatever remaining years of my life without it.

so much anger, so many complications

the other night i had a dream about my ex-. we were talking about reconciling, and at one point i started crying and then i said, "i always thought you were the one, i just couldn't figure out how to make it work." with that emotional declaration, i immediately work up and thought, "what was that?! that was so not helpful." and the best way to describe my mood in that moment would be i was soooo pissed!

i was reflecting on the dream and the after moment later in the day, and it hit me, after more than a decade since our break-up, that there is still so much anger about that relationship. and let me be clear that anger is predominately with myself, not my ex-.  

and yet, it's not just the anger, but this sense of a great loss. and let me be clear that the loss i refer to is not my relationship with my ex-, it feels i've lost the opportunity to experience the type of enduring loving, supportive relationship that if you were to ask me at an early age what it is that i most hoped for out of life that would have been if not at the very top of the list, in the top three. and now, at my advanced age, it feels that i've squandered my chances on experiences with men that were anything but that type of relationship. and i can't help but wonder if the crappy experiences that i've had subsequently with other men has only fueled that emotion.

and if i were honest, which i do my best to be, i really don't know what to to do with this resulting pain and this feeling of just an empty life. clearly more therapy is in order, and yet, with my life in limbo, when in the foreseeable future do i get to seek out that assistance?

so much anger. so many complications. so little hope.

maybe it's a sign

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