i had this friend at one time (at least i think he was a friend; the reflections in the intervening years on the complications involved in and eventual dissolution of that relationship are what have caused me to question that belief). anyway, let's just say then that i knew this guy once, who, whenever we talked about his feelings about life, the universe, and everything, it was quite clear that, from his vantage point, life was something to be gotten through; there might be moments of enjoyment, but for the most part, life was not about trying to be happy. for whatever reason, through whatever experiences, (which i never really learned much about; the fact, as i learned years later, that much of what he shared with me about his life was a fabrication, may have something to do with that and is a story for another time, perhaps), he had lost the expectation to be happy in life.
his somewhat melancholy outlook always made me a little sad whenever it appeared, and for a time i truly wanted to help with that, but i see now (again, from that time spent in reflection, i guess more like a post-mortem, on that relationship) that our mutual brokenness did not allow for me to be of much help. the fact that he was not honest with me about who he was created all kinds of barriers and misunderstandings that made our ability to have a truly supportive friendship with one another impossible. in fact, i think the dynamic set off so many emotional triggers for me, that he often experienced me at my worst rather than at my best -- again, a reflection for another time, perhaps.
now, as i have recently entered the first year of another decade of my life on this planet, i find myself in exactly the same place he was all those years ago. i, too, have lost my expectation of happiness, and i cannot fathom how it will ever return. or even more concerning, how i will ever be able to navigate whatever remaining years of my life without it.
No comments:
Post a Comment