It's early Monday evening, and I'm lying on my bed, relaxing just being two hours back from a busy long weekend in the city of my birth New York. As with every visit to what I consider to be the greatest city on the planet, I had a wonderful time. On Friday, I got to spend time with my dear friend Rachel, followed by a sumptuous dinner that we had with one of my two travel buddies Thomas. The three of us then met up with the other traveling amigo Dennis to see this year's Tony winner for Best Play "God of Carnage" (just amazing performances by the four leads in a powerfully constructed play).
Saturday was time on my own, so I took in a couple of movies (Humpday and Valentino: The Last Emperor). I met Dennis for a nice quiet dinner and then went off on my own to see another terrific play "Next Fall" (do not miss this if you have a chance to see it before its run ends in early August). The night was closed out by meeting the guys and Thomas's new beau Lawrence at a bar for (yelled) conversation and listening to the brave souls who partook in karoake.
Sunday was a trip for us three guys (Lawrence having returned home early that morning) out to the new Yankee Stadium. It was Old Timers' Day and I have to admit for this only casual baseball fan, it was pretty special being witness to all that history. Thomas and I only stayed for part of the actual game that followed the old timers' game, but we all met up again at a Mexican restaurant in the Village later that night. I had such a great time that on the way back to the hotel I commented to Dennis that unlike my usual feeling at the end of a vacation, when I'm dying to get home, I actually wouldn't have minded staying a couple more days.
Then it was up early this morning for the train rides back home (subway to Amtrak to commuter rail). For all of the fun I know I'll remember this weekend for, I wonder if I'll also remember it for something else? Perhaps that's why I'm writing this blog entry after so many months, because I want to remember it for being more. For all of the fun, this was also an emotionally full, for lack of a better term, weekend as well.
I guess that aspect of the weekend started with my listening to my voice mail messages on the train ride down. Nigel had left a message wishing me a fun time in the city and wondering if I'd pick up a little souvenir for him. It's amazing how a simple thing like a voice mail can unleash so much feeling. For whatever reason, hearing his voice went right to that old place of deep love and affection that I have for him. It's happened a couple of times over the last several months and each time it surprises me that that feeling is there. Despite the break-up and my fully believing that it is the best thing for me, the love continues.
Then again, there is also this deep pain that is co-mingled with the deep love. I have experiences like this vacation, and I realize that for the first time in years, I am actually enjoying my vacations. There would be so many painful and sometimes scary events that would happen with Nigel on vacations that I can't think of a one without wanting to shed a tear (or punch my fist through a wall in frustration).
I guess in the months since the break-up, I have come to a place that I look at the situation with a bittersweet regret. The regret is not that we broke up, but more that I fell in love with a man with whom I could not possibly hope to have a whole, healthy, fulfilling relationship. There was just too much brokenness to make that even remotely possible. I see that with my head and even with most of my heart, but something still lingers -- both love and pain.
And then, me being me, I can't just leave it with reflections on the past. I have to also start wondering about and questioning the future. I wonder "will I get a second chance at love (or is that a first chance at real love)?" I question, "is it possible that I will actually be able to have the kind of loving relationship that led me to trying with Nigel in the first place? Am I even capable of choosing the right person or of sustaining that kind of relationship?" "Is that person even out there? And if he is, what makes me think he will choose me? Is it even possible to be happy in a relationship?" So is this the legacy of my time with Michael -- that I think that relationship means great love and great pain but no true joy?
It's just strange. I am happier than I have been at any point in my adult life. Yet, there are these waves of sadness and loneliness that will come over me -- kind of like clouds that momentarily block the sun on an otherwise brilliantly bright day. Even though the clouds do pass, the shade they cast is definitely chilling.
I know, someplace in my soul, that I need to try my best to dwell in the realms of possibility and gratitude, realizing that behind the clouds the sun is still shining. It just seems at this moment, it's a little harder to get to that place than usual.
Saturday was time on my own, so I took in a couple of movies (Humpday and Valentino: The Last Emperor). I met Dennis for a nice quiet dinner and then went off on my own to see another terrific play "Next Fall" (do not miss this if you have a chance to see it before its run ends in early August). The night was closed out by meeting the guys and Thomas's new beau Lawrence at a bar for (yelled) conversation and listening to the brave souls who partook in karoake.
Sunday was a trip for us three guys (Lawrence having returned home early that morning) out to the new Yankee Stadium. It was Old Timers' Day and I have to admit for this only casual baseball fan, it was pretty special being witness to all that history. Thomas and I only stayed for part of the actual game that followed the old timers' game, but we all met up again at a Mexican restaurant in the Village later that night. I had such a great time that on the way back to the hotel I commented to Dennis that unlike my usual feeling at the end of a vacation, when I'm dying to get home, I actually wouldn't have minded staying a couple more days.
Then it was up early this morning for the train rides back home (subway to Amtrak to commuter rail). For all of the fun I know I'll remember this weekend for, I wonder if I'll also remember it for something else? Perhaps that's why I'm writing this blog entry after so many months, because I want to remember it for being more. For all of the fun, this was also an emotionally full, for lack of a better term, weekend as well.
I guess that aspect of the weekend started with my listening to my voice mail messages on the train ride down. Nigel had left a message wishing me a fun time in the city and wondering if I'd pick up a little souvenir for him. It's amazing how a simple thing like a voice mail can unleash so much feeling. For whatever reason, hearing his voice went right to that old place of deep love and affection that I have for him. It's happened a couple of times over the last several months and each time it surprises me that that feeling is there. Despite the break-up and my fully believing that it is the best thing for me, the love continues.
Then again, there is also this deep pain that is co-mingled with the deep love. I have experiences like this vacation, and I realize that for the first time in years, I am actually enjoying my vacations. There would be so many painful and sometimes scary events that would happen with Nigel on vacations that I can't think of a one without wanting to shed a tear (or punch my fist through a wall in frustration).
I guess in the months since the break-up, I have come to a place that I look at the situation with a bittersweet regret. The regret is not that we broke up, but more that I fell in love with a man with whom I could not possibly hope to have a whole, healthy, fulfilling relationship. There was just too much brokenness to make that even remotely possible. I see that with my head and even with most of my heart, but something still lingers -- both love and pain.
And then, me being me, I can't just leave it with reflections on the past. I have to also start wondering about and questioning the future. I wonder "will I get a second chance at love (or is that a first chance at real love)?" I question, "is it possible that I will actually be able to have the kind of loving relationship that led me to trying with Nigel in the first place? Am I even capable of choosing the right person or of sustaining that kind of relationship?" "Is that person even out there? And if he is, what makes me think he will choose me? Is it even possible to be happy in a relationship?" So is this the legacy of my time with Michael -- that I think that relationship means great love and great pain but no true joy?
It's just strange. I am happier than I have been at any point in my adult life. Yet, there are these waves of sadness and loneliness that will come over me -- kind of like clouds that momentarily block the sun on an otherwise brilliantly bright day. Even though the clouds do pass, the shade they cast is definitely chilling.
I know, someplace in my soul, that I need to try my best to dwell in the realms of possibility and gratitude, realizing that behind the clouds the sun is still shining. It just seems at this moment, it's a little harder to get to that place than usual.
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