isolation

it's a strange experience i'm having these days. i feel so cut off from the world around me. some of it is by circumstance. some of it is by design.

certainly it doesn't help that i'm in a job that leaves me with little meaningful work to do and that my relationship with michael has ended, but even beyond that, i've found that when i am in an emotionally vulnerable state, i purposely tend to withdraw from the world. i'm not exactly sure why. maybe it's because these particular states are most often generated by human interaction, and so my mind associates the pain with dealing with people. as a result, i instinctively remove myself from interacting with other people to avoid further hurt.

strangely enough, i also find myself being in less contact with people i had been regularly interacting with over the past several weeks. people are busy and less accessible. that tends to happen in life. unfortunately, i seem to be spending a lot of time convincing my own fragile psyche that there is nothing more to it than that.

pushing people away and yet wishing i had someone to talk to. yes, it's a paradox. welcome to the inner workings of my mind and heart.