hobby or statement?

so if you're a long-time reader of this blog then you know that one of my pastimes is that i'm a collector of modern and vintage fashion dolls (and if you're recent reader, well, now you know). this past friday i had the pleasure of indulging in my hobby by taking a leisurely drive along the highways and byways of massachusetts and upstate new york to the tonner company store in kingston, ny. for the uninitiated, the tonner doll company is one of the major producers of fashion dolls and character figures. i've only recently started collecting tonner dolls (as in the past couple of years) but have quickly branched out into a variety of their product lines.

it was a true joy to be like the proverbial kid in the candy store (or maybe more appropriately a toy store). after sizing up the room and what was available from my favorite lines, i asked the salesperson if she would assist me. literally, we went from one end of the store to the other and i pointed out the items that i wanted ("and i want this, and this, and this, oh and that. . . ."). as she busily wrote down on her pad item descriptions and skus. when we got done, she left for the adjacent stock room, and i took pictures of the beautifully arrayed shelves (i'll try to post a few pictures when i get home). to have a doll room set up like that is a long-term dream but one that will likely have to wait quite a few years (chances are that i will be renting for well into the foreseeable future and will not have that kind of space to dedicate to such an endeavor). my purchases were totaled and piled into three shopping bags for which i paid a pretty healthy sum (but as i tell myself in many such shopping expeditions, i am well worth the expense). 

when i got home from my day's activity, i found a response to the tweet of that morning in which i announced my day's plans. the response read, "you went on a shopping trip to a fashion doll company?" now having come to know the individual who wrote said note at least a little bit over the past few weeks, i imagined the bemused smirk that likely passed across his face as he wrote his inquiry. that mental picture in turn likely fueled my response of, "well it's their retail store and yes, i did. i've been a collector for about seven years. and yes, i'm really that gay."

somehow, my response got me thinking about how much i've changed over the past 12 or so years since accepting my sexual orientation. prior to this time,  i was struggling with the idea that i might be gay and doing everything not to be so, and it is activities like fashion doll collecting that i would not have dared engage. because of the stereotypes that accompany this activity and others (interests in fashion, theater, decorating, etc.) i would never have wanted to have suffered any "guilt" by association and would have shunned the whole idea (though, believe it or not, there are actually straight men who are fashion doll collectors). the truly sad thing is that i would have let fear result in my missing taking part in a hobby that, as i reflected in a later online chat with my tweet responding friend, has brought me so much enjoyment. in fact, over the past year and a half, with several difficult and painful changes having taken place, this hobby has been somewhat of a lifesaver, allowing me to divert at least some of my hurt into more pleasant pursuits. i don't want to imagine how bleak life would have been without my collecting pursuits, but it would have been very, very bleak indeed.

so it would appear to me that i've, intuitively at least, known that coming out as a fashion doll collector would in many ways be my way of making a statement about other aspects of my self as well. but now, i'm happy to state, i wouldn't have it any other way.