i had another dream about michael. it's not really surprising as he came up in the midst of conversation in a late night on-line chat. in the dream i was making "my stop in st. louis on the way out west" visit that i'm currently contemplating. it was pleasant and the interaction reminded me of the best days of our relationship. it was clear to me in the dream that i still had strong feelings for him and that i was maybe even a little hopeful that we could try one more time.
as i was looking around the house, i stumbled across pictures of michael with another (much younger and very attractive) man. i don't remember asking about who the guy was, but i do remember michael matter of factly sharing that it was someone with whom he had been involved over the previous months. the pictures were clear in providing the perspective that this was not some casual friendship, yet michael's demeanor was also clear that, even with this romantic involvement, he too was hopeful for another chance at our relationship.
i woke up to the alarm clock blaring headlines from npr with all of these thoughts in the air, and the reality of what is quickly erased the dream-like reverie that i had just been experiencing. it seems almost cruel the way our subconscious pulls out from the recesses of our minds these deep feelings, trots them in front of us in the form of dreams, and then leaves us with the scenes and their apparent meanings to ponder once we awake.
i don't know. it's hard to ponder what's in the head when you're weighed down by the heaviness of the heart. i'm sure there will be this and more to think about on another day. for now i will just trust that what it all means will become clearer as i move forward (not backward) in life.
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