a master plan

you know the type of person that seems to have his/her life all mapped out? it's the person who from an early age knew what they wanted to do in life.  by the time this person was in college, he/she pretty much had the key milestones in life determined and a master plan for how and when he/she was going to reach each one. i'm sure you've run across this person at least once in life. well, i'm not that kind of person. the irony is that i'm a planner by profession, but maybe not really because, like pretty much everything else in my life, i kind of just fell into this work by chance. i wouldn't say i'm the exact opposite of the person i described at the beginning of this entry, but i am pretty far down on the opposite end of the spectrum.

during life i've alternately questioned whether it was good and bad that i was not that kind of person. right now, i'm in the phase where i'm questioning whether it has been good that i have not been that kind of person. an alternative way of stating that would be i'm wondering if i may have royally f*cked up my chances for happiness by not being more focused and deliberate in how i've gone about living.

last night, i was reminded that i am not a young man anymore and that my prospects for love and companionship are dwindling (i should clarify that this was not the intention of the people making the comments; it's just that the conversation reinforced some perspectives i'd been wrestling with when i entered into the discussion). a mood of melancholy persisted through the remainder of the night and has lingered into today. funny that because this morning i came across a message reminding me that i'm supposed to be happy because of the new job. while i would say that i am happy and grateful for the new job, i'm not sure that it has the power to completely transform my view on life.

and it is uncertainty that probably explains why, when it comes to life, i'm not much of a life planner. i really can't say that i have much of a clue of how to go about orchestrating my life, so i just take it as it comes and make it up as i go along. unfortunately, that doesn't seem to stop me from worrying at times that the kind of fulfilled, meaningful life that i want to have may be beyond my grasp. i think it's going to be a tough day.