it's been a very busy last month or so. i state that not so much as an explanation for my absence from this space but more as a simple statement of fact. i was catching up with my mother yesterday and telling her how hectic the pace has seemed. she asked me if it was too much for me. i responded that it's not that what i had to do was beyond my capabilities, it was just the sheer volume of activity was a phenomenon to which i needed to get adjusted.
i was thinking about that observation this morning and realized that while i may be able to handle the work load, the energy expended in doing so is not leaving me much capacity to handle anything else. i haven't done anything social outside of work in months. i spend much of my time on weekends either sleeping or running basic errands. i still have furnishings to buy and boxes to unpack. i have not yet found a church (though it is on my list of intended goals to accomplish) and i really need to get on finding my basic health service providers (doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc.).
lately, as i lie in bed late at night i find myself both thankful for my blessings and a little melancholy over what i view as the essential thing i lack. i wonder if i have room enough in my life for a relationship (particularly when even finding the time and energy to pursue one seems to be eluding me). i have had moments recently when i've remembered with startling clarity that relationships are not always love notes and candy kisses, but can often be opportunities for disappointing the person you love by not being as engaged as they would like you to be. in a time when i'm not sure that i'm being fully present to even myself how could i even hope to meet the expectations of someone else?
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