it's been a little while since i wrote an entry in this blog. the day before christmas eve was the last time i attempted to write something herein. and truth be told, not a whole lot has happened in the interim. my days have been uneventful save for my spending a considerable amount of time chatting with a few friends old and new online.
i'd been managing ok emotionally until last night. that's when the inevitable moment of questioning and doubt came to the fore.
it has been nice to chat online. i've had a feeling that i may even be forging actual friendships with a few guys. then last night i finished a conversation and headed up to bed. the house was dark and of course i was alone. it was at that moment that i felt a deep sense of emptiness in both my home and my heart. i would swear that if i spoke aloud i am sure i would have heard an echo in both places.
then the thought came to me that it may be all well and good to talk with guys virtually, but at the end of the day, i climb into a cold and empty bed with no one to tell me that i am special and that i am loved. and with that thought, the questioning of the validity of all of my experiences over the past couple of weeks poured over me. was i just kidding myself that these guys thought anything more of me than as someone to talk and flirt with? was i again experiencing, as i have with other guys in the same venues, the dynamic of being a nice plaything that they could turn on and off with the push of a button on their computers? no one real. no one substantive. just a ghost in the machine meant for their adoration and gratification.
with all of that swirling through my head, climbing into that cold, empty bed was more difficult than usual. climbing out of it this morning was even more challenging.
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