darker still

i'm not entirely sure what's going on with me, but i'm finding my thoughts are becoming increasingly darker in terms of my outlook on life. this feeling that my life will never be better, that there is no reason to hope for anything different seems to be settling in my spirit and calcifying my heart. it is a process that is beginning to feel so palpable that it is almost as much physically painful as it is emotionally. the phrase "there is no hope for me" has been playing over and over in my head for the last several minutes and my attempts to silence that voice have been unsuccessful. so many times over the past year plus, i've had these same types of moments where i've thought that i was going literally insane. why is the simple wish for peace and love in my life so much to ask for? why can't i be found in this deep, dark place?