it's been a challenging week. a milestone birthday was reached and with it i have found myself in a state of perpetual reflection. today i heard a song that made me think of my parents and particularly my father. i've posted it below and if you've been a reader of this blog for awhile you will understand the association.
i think this desire for a home, a place i belong, and the pain that comes from the feeling that i have never had this and the increasing doubt i ever will likely finds their origins with my family experience. i shared this fact with a friend recently and there was agreement with my supposition.
even as old as i've gotten and as many times as i've thought about this subject, i am often surprised by how very deep the pain goes. i've written about it i'm pretty sure several times in this blog. yet, each time i get in touch with that particular life experience it is as if the loss and sense of abandonment happened yesterday. it's as if i'm still that child who believes that the end of my parent's marriage had something to do with me and that the fact that my father never appeared in my life was somehow a sign of my not being good enough.
it is true that these are unfair perspectives for a child to have and certainly for an adult to still harbor to a certain degree in his soul. i tell myself how often that they are not true, but as i said to dr. s at the end of a session some months ago, "it may not be true, but it still feels true." and i don't know how to make it otherwise.
real thing - kenny loggins
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