and now what?

so the big day is here. the day that commemorates my reaching the half century mark in life. and it has arrived with several birthday greetings and well wishes. it also has arrived with the perverse tradition of providing a cake with a tombstone and a grim reaper displayed as well as all kinds of paraphernalia declaring the advanced and apparently decrepit state i've reached (i didn't realize that birthday knick knacks had grown into its own cottage industry or that they could be so obnoxious).

so how do i feel about all of this? well, it has certainly been nice to be remembered by family, friends, and work colleagues. i seem to be managing ok emotionally, mostly pushing to the side the sadness i've been experiencing of late. but it's "mostly" and not "entirely" because underneath the experience of confetti and messages and cake is the reality that at the close of what will be a shortened workday (hey, it's my birthday. i'm entitled) will be the return to the same empty house and the same feeling of an empty life.

i spent much of last night online chatting with a friend about my emotional state. through the course of the conversation, he and i both observed that while i was acutely aware of both what was wrong and what the likely causes were of my struggles with depression, i had no clue of what to do about it. my months of therapy with dr. s can certainly be credited for reaching the conclusions that i have. at the same time, the reason i took a break from that process was that i couldn't seem to break through to the healing i need. after over a year, i'm pretty much still in the same space emotionally. yes, i have more insight and that basically makes the situation something like, "yes, you feel sad and lost but at least you know why you feel this way."

maybe the biggest problem is that i no longer know what i want from life. i don't know what it is that will make my life feel more fulfilled. actually, that is not true. it's not really that i don't know. it's that i continue to question how and if the elements of feeling i have a place in the world and experiencing meaningful regular companionship with physical and emotional intimacy will ever manifest in my life in any substantive way. after 50 years, how long do you keep asking when will things get better?