when i decided to extend the recent holiday weekend, i facetiously shared with a few friends that it was to hold off what i felt like was an oncoming nervous breakdown. now i'm back at work and sitting a mere 30 minutes or so in my office, going through the 150 or so emails in my inbox, it feels that unless some significant intervention takes place soon, the breakdown may have been delayed somewhat but ot definitely feels like it's coming is inevitable.
i had a hint of concern that this might be the case as i got prepared for work in an almost robotic like fashion. i'd had an unfortunate night of self-created drama (the outcome of which i'm still uncertain) and as i sent some apologetic notes, got dressed, had breakfast, and got my things packed and ready to come in to the office, i could tell that there was really no life in me. and such is the case as i write this note now. there is very little interest in my agenda for the day or beyond and any passion that once burned brightly are now just dark and cold ashes.
i am fortunate that i have only two meetings today. i will due my best to engage and feign interest when there is really none. i have a dental appointment later this afternoon which will allow me to leave work a bit early, following which i imagine i will go home, disrobe, and climb into bed. the same routine that i have been doing for a couple of months now.
the encounter last night has left me feeling that i contribute very little value (and much burden) to the relationships around me. reading through the emails today and seeing all that has been able to be accomplished in my absence, i am left with the same feeling about my daily work.
no sense of value or purpose. no love or intimate relationship. no seeming connection to the world around me. are these the ingredients for an emotional collapse? or has it happened already and i'm just now realizing it?
the sharing of this song may seem a bit incongruous with the rest of this entry. i share it not because it is true. i share it because i desperately need it to be true because i know i can't keep living like this.
something's coming - barbra streisand
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