my failures

earlier today i was standing in my kitchen sipping on my first cup of morning coffee when what i can only describe as the full magnitude of my failure in my relationship with michael came crashing down on me with a force that literally caused my knees to buckle. it's funny how such moments often start with the simplest of thoughts.

in this case, even earlier in the morning, a friend and i had been chatting online and the topic of summer vacations came up. he shared that he had one coming up but didn't know much about it. the reason for his lack to knowledge was that his girlfriend was planning something and the details were a secret. "that should be nice," i found myself responding and then inquired about the timing and duration. the conversation pretty much ended soon thereafter as we both needed to get ready for our respective days. hasty goodbyes were exchanged and off we went.

fast forward to the knee buckling moment or rather what immediately preceded it. as i was pouring my coffee, i just started thinking how nice it would be to have someone plan a getaway. now obviously, what i was really thinking was how nice it would be to be in a relationship with someone who loved me and cared enough for me to want to plan a surprise trip for us. and then i took a sip of the morning brew and the thunderbolt of remembrance and recognition struck. images of the turmoil of my relationship with michael flashed across my mind's eye in rapid succession, following which a wave of deep sorrow swept over, around and through me.

you see it wasn't that i was saddened by the fact that i once had a love like that and had lost it. i didn't have that with michael. well, i didn't, but michael had that from me as i lovingly lavished attention on countless holidays, vacations, birthdays and such for him. what hurt was the recognition that with all my love and care i attempted to give, i had still failed to be able to sustain that relationship. all that i poured into wanting him to know the he was loved by me came to nothing in the end.

lately, i've been struggling with the same feelings about my professional life. i've put countless hours into so many different activities and initiatives, not because i had to but because i loved the work and the people on whose behalf i was doing it. and in like fashion, i question if it will all be for nothing. another failure.

and so it goes with old and recent friendships, my relationships with my mother and extended family, my sense of purpose and meaning in life -- all have this sense of brokenness, failure, and a seeming inability to ever get things right.

as is my fashion, i've found the emotions expressed in this entry are well expressed in an old favorite song. i share it here. and i do wonder, "how long 'til my soul gets it right?"

galileo - indigo girls