shortly after the new year, i was doing some early morning grocery shopping, and as i walked through the aisles looking for the various items i needed to fill my depleted pantry at home, i passed by the card section. there before me was an aisle festooned with pink and red hearts, streamers, balloons and ribbons. it took me only a second to realize that the celebratory trappings of the holiday season had now been replaced by those of valentine's day. thinking back on how through the latter half of the holidays i had been somewhat affected by feelings of loneliness, i commented to myself, "oh, i guess that's the next emotional hurdle i will need to get past."
fast forward to this week. a couple of days ago, i had a pretty candid discussion with a friend about some hurtful dynamics that had emerged in our relationship. i recounted to him some of the same perspectives that i've shared over the last few blog entries, namely, my having the feeling that no matter what i do, no matter how good a friend i've tried to be to him, it feels that all of that effort hasn't mattered at all.
it was a difficult conversation though not so much because of its tenor. there were no accusations, harsh statements, or defensiveness. he did make some attempt to reassure me that i did matter to him, and that the issues were more about how he's been reacting to some things going on in his own life. it was difficult because unpacking all of that emotion and putting it on naked display is just a hard thing to do. to have to relive all that pain and yet have no real resolution (because i knew despite the reassurances there would be no changes in behavior on my friend's part) is as draining and disheartening as it gets.
today, i was driving to work listening to what became apparent was the closing moments of a radio program. as the hosts brought the show to it's finish, they signed off by enthusiastically wishing everyone a happy valentine's day. as a regular listener to this particular show, i knew that both of the hosts are married with kids, so i thought that naturally they approached valentine's day with great excitement. i did wonder though if they could have dialed down the cheerfulness just a bit for those of us for whom this particular holiday is a challenging one.
as i pulled into my parking space, i thought of that difficult conversation from a two nights previous. in it i shared that a particular event that had happened last fall between my friend and me had broken me. that feeling of being broken came over me again as i stood beside my car. i just had this sense that my will to believe or even hope for things to be better in terms of having that vital companionship was just gone without even the slightest trace remaining, leaving behind this pervasive sense of utter desolation. "how will i ever come back from this?" i asked myself. no answer came or has arisen since.
from that point on it felt as if my next hurdle would actually be just getting through the rest of the day.
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