the inexplicable

this past wednesday was the third anniversary of the first time sean and i met face-to-face. this year, as in the past, i've marked this occasion with a greeting and a small gift to my friend. this year, as in the previous two, the day and the days following have more of a sense of sadness than joy.

today it hit me how strongly i've missed sean -- a feeling that has been at a particularly peak level this week. i also thought that it seemed to defy a logical explanation as to why this was the case. why is it that i still feel so strongly, that i still "kinda miss him" (to borrow a phrase that i've exchanged with sean many times over the past three years)? why is the heart pain so acute that i get teary eyed? why do i still think about him just about every day even though i haven't seen him in almost two years and the communication has been very light over this past one?

there are many times, particularly of late, that i question if this dynamic is healthy. i don't think i've ever experienced something like it in any other relationship that i've had at least not for this long of a duration of time. yet, experience it i do even though i really don't know why.

there are so many times that i feel that it seems so unfair that i can feel this way about someone who i doubt is having the same experience with respect to me. i'm not sure that he has much consideration of me between one instance when i reach out to him to say hello and the next.

i have to admit this has hit me particularly hard today -- the loneliness, the disappointment, the sense of foolishness, the feeling of not being wanted, of being insignificant to someone for whom i've developed a deep affection. all the feelings i've had at various time over the past three years revisiting me all at once.

it does all seem so inexplicable. at least it does to me today, and i'm not sure if i will ever understand it.