pushing back the darkness

it hasn't been a good week. first, i came to the realization that my current job is likely not the right job for me. it's a perspective that has been developing over time, but recent events have convinced me that i am not happy in the role i'm doing and the prospects of becoming so are limited.

the second disappointment of the week is that a friend with whom i shared several special times has decided that he can no longer continue in engaging with me in that way. it is a decision i understand. it is a choice he needs to make to achieve the happiness he wants in his life. i just wish that his happiness did not have to come at the expense of my own. our meeting up has been one of the few enjoyable things in my life at this time, and now those opportunities are gone and i'm a little more alone. and so again, my depression deepens.

it's been difficult living a life where, more often than not, life seems so bleak and full of an unending stream of painful disappointments. i have spent so much time over the last few decades fighting the feeling that ending my life would be better than continuing to live it. pushing back against this kind of darkness that envelops my mind and consumes my soul for so many years has been exhausting. it feels as if there is no relief in sight and when something seemingly good comes along it eventually just fades away like a mirage in the desert, leaving in its wake more devastation in my heart.

last night, i wrote to the friend and said that i felt like i was one or two disappointments away from deciding that life is not worth living. i think that could change if i experience something extraordinarily life affirming in the near future. the sad thing is i have no real hope that it will. i think so many years of pushing back the darkness has killed it.