it started out so well ....

in the past, when it came to the practice of keeping up this blog, it used to be no news was good news. how i long for those days because the last two years or so, since i last made a post here, my life has not exactly been filled with good news. it's not all been entirely bad, but "good" is definitely not how i would characterize much of it (and it wasn't so peachy before that either).

i guess i should do kind of an "q&a" type of thing to catch up those long time readers (if any of you are still around) on what's transpired over the gap in time. (by the way, after reading the last entry i made, i'm glad i'm posting this new one, just so y'all know i'm still alive and suffering). now, on to the questions. who wants to be first? don't be shy; we're all friends and co-dependents here. ok, miss, thank you for getting us started:

what happened to that job that started out so well but then became a not good thing?
well, i actually ended up leaving that job and returning to the organization that i was at previously for a job that started out so well and then became a not good thing (sensing a pattern here?). in fact, so not a good thing that i will soon be unemployed through no fault of my own; my position was eliminated due to a merger, for which, ironically, i returned to help make happen. the good news is i'm fine with leaving as things are shaping up to be a cluster of major proportion (also not my fault) for the new organization (i use the term "new" loosely as the two organizations seem to be determined to just perpetuate the failings of each, just at a larger scale). the bad news is i won't have a job in a couple of months.

next question? yes, you in the back by the fire extinguisher:

what happened to that guy sean you used to write so much about?
well, as what would likely come as a surprise to no one but me, that friendship appears to have run its course (again, not my fault). i tried my best to keep it going and despite moments of resuscitation, the patient seems to have succumbed to its mortal wounds. i say "not my fault" and yet i've still had to deal with my tendency to internalize and say "what's wrong with me?" fun times have been had by none on that score. i was thinking the other day that i wish i hadn't been so concerned about hurting his feelings during the time when we were actively engaged with one another. it's not that i would have intentionally said or done anything overtly callous or cruel. there's just one thing i wish i had made clearer. it's that, while i valued his friendship, i truly didn't want anything more than that. he always seemed concerned that i did and would make statements about how, because of the various dynamics in his life, he couldn't even consider such a thing. truth be told, i had decided pretty early on that i wasn't interested in in a dating/romantic relationship because i'd determined that i didn't think it would be healthy for me to be in one with him. i still think he's a good guy but that definitely would have been a "no bueno" kind of situation (i mean the friendship was challenging enough). maybe being more up front about that and not worrying about hurting his feelings (because i don't care how many times someone says they're not interested in you, the minute you say back that you feel the same way about them, then all of sudden it becomes, "what do you mean you wouldn't be interested in a relationship with me?"), maybe, things would have turned out differently; maybe not.  anyway, i left it at i still considered him a friend and that i would be there for him if he should ever need me. i've run into him online a few times; it's always pleasant and cordial. i think this particular friendship experience will always bring some sadness to my heart and mind whenever it comes to mind. it's a shame really, because it started out so well (hmm ....).

another question? yes, the gentleman in the middle row, who is politely laughing at my vain attempts at humor:

so did you ever start dating again?
as a matter of fact, yes, i did. i saw one guy for about six weeks before i moved and then was in a relationship with a really nice guy for a year after i moved back here. in fact, we just broke up a couple of months ago and, yet again, so not my fault (unless you want to call being true to yourself creating a problem. by the way, i'm really not one to shirk accountability. i'm really not). as he sat down with me and delivered the "this is not working" address, he pointed out that our differences were greater than the areas in which we were compatible and that it didn't make sense to continue as boyfriends. i didn't disagree. the timing could have been a little better as it was one week after i found out my job was being eliminated. still, is there ever really a good time to break up with someone (actually, yes, yes there is and that wasn't it)? we're still friends and roommates. he's planning on moving out of state soon as i hope to do as well since there's nothing  really to keep me here. you know, it all started out so well .... (double hmmm, well at least now i know what title to give to this entry; i just hope they're not saying the same thing when they're thinking about what to put as my epitaph).

i think we have time for one more question. ok, you sir, the one with the great hair and dazzling smile that's been distracting me this whole time

so with all of this, how have you been doing and where do you go from here?
ok, that's an easy one. not great and hell if i know. i guess we'll have to keep reading this thing to find out.