the other night i had a dream about my ex-. we were talking about reconciling, and at one point i started crying and then i said, "i always thought you were the one, i just couldn't figure out how to make it work." with that emotional declaration, i immediately work up and thought, "what was that?! that was so not helpful." and the best way to describe my mood in that moment would be i was soooo pissed!
i was reflecting on the dream and the after moment later in the day, and it hit me, after more than a decade since our break-up, that there is still so much anger about that relationship. and let me be clear that anger is predominately with myself, not my ex-.
and yet, it's not just the anger, but this sense of a great loss. and let me be clear that the loss i refer to is not my relationship with my ex-, it feels i've lost the opportunity to experience the type of enduring loving, supportive relationship that if you were to ask me at an early age what it is that i most hoped for out of life that would have been if not at the very top of the list, in the top three. and now, at my advanced age, it feels that i've squandered my chances on experiences with men that were anything but that type of relationship. and i can't help but wonder if the crappy experiences that i've had subsequently with other men has only fueled that emotion.
and if i were honest, which i do my best to be, i really don't know what to to do with this resulting pain and this feeling of just an empty life. clearly more therapy is in order, and yet, with my life in limbo, when in the foreseeable future do i get to seek out that assistance?
so much anger. so many complications. so little hope.
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