insignificance

i watch the world go by as if a bystander looking at actions on a screen. my presence seems to matter little. i wonder if it ever has.

a note from michael

Dear [Clarus],

I take full responsibility for what has happened. I am sorry. I know that I messed things up--*I* did. All that I can say is I am ashamed and full of regret. Alcohol has cost me the most important thing in the world, again, and it was entirely in my hands. I am sorry for hurting you.

I hope that the [new] position comes through rapidly, and that you are happy.

LOVE and PEACE,

Michael

just thought it should be noted for the record that he is a good person. now back to my heart breaking.

burnt . . . out

it appears one of michael's chief complaints is that i didn't give him enough warning about the condition of our relationship. he thought everything was fine. for him my lack of communication seems to be at the root of the issue. here's my rebuttal. if you've been in a building that was set on fire by the person you're with and you stayed long enough in that building to have 70% of your body burned, yielding scarring that you're still dealing with,  then maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise that you might first flee the next building the two of you occupy when you see that same person carrying around a 5 gallon drum of kerosene and a book of matches. just saying. still perhaps i understate.

it's over

it's over and this time for good. michael doesn't want to see me again and i'm in pretty much the same place. his next to last note was filled with promises of doing better and disbelief at the fact that i was giving up "having it all." maybe he's right. maybe i am giving up having it all.

as often happens in my life, i was driving to work and a song came on that summed up everything that i was experiencing (click on song title, as usual, for audio):

it's not enough by avril lavigne

I’m sorry
If this hurts you
But I tried to keep what we had once
I was wrong
It wasn’t keeping me awake
You didn’t listen (You didn’t listen)
You didn’t hear me (You didn’t hear me)
When I said I want more
I got no more
You were stealing me away
Oh

[chorus]
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to give me
What it is I want
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to get me
Everything I need
And I, I wish it was
I think it’s time
To give this up

All the memories
That we’re losing
All the time
that I spent with you everyday
I think it’s running down the drain
I’m feeling (feeling)
That we’re fading
Don’t make this as hard as you think you’d be
It’s a lot easier than it seems
Yeah

[chorus]
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to give me
What it is I want
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to get me
Everything I need
And I, I wish it was
I think it’s time
To give this up

And I can feel it falling down
Slowly, slowly
I can see you’re starting to drown
Can’t stop it now
I can see ya burning out
So show me, show me
How are ya gonna turn it around because…?

[repeat chorus]
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to give me
What it is I want
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to get me
Everything I need
And I, I wish it was
I think it’s time
To give this up

all i ever wanted

all i have by beth nielsen chapman

disintegrated

perhaps not so slow. looks like it's over -- again.

last thoughts

i think this about says it all for now (listen to the refrain for my reality):
My Immortal