you know how you know ...?

you know how you know you truly consider someone a friend? it's when you're having a really shit moment and you just wish right then and there you could be with that person talking through it over a nice cup of coffee (or stronger beverage).

that one's for you sean.

the story of my life

i just had a moment of sad contemplation in the shower and rather than waiting until tomorrow to write about it, i thought it best to just get it out of my system now. you see, i recently stopped participating in a venue that i had been somewhat active in over the past few months. as a result and as i suspected would happen, i have not heard much from the people i interacted with in that setting. in fact, it's actually been quite some time since i've interacted with most of them.

as i just shared, this change was not unexpected. in fact, it reminds me of a similar circumstance that happened almost a decade ago, in which i stopped going to a certain parish. though i was friends with several of those individuals outside of the church setting, because i was no longer in the setting in which we all met and that provided us with at least weekly contact, i stopped hearing from pretty much all of them. and this was not a gradual change. no, it was pretty immediate.

and so it is in this instance. no this was not an unexpected result nor is the hurt that i'm feeling now. people leave. i'm alone. it's the story of my life.

a precarious place

this has been a pretty strange day. i've had moments where i've actually felt pretty good -- like almost normal. and then i've had moments where my heart feels like it's been ripped in two and all the life has poured out of me. i don't know if this means i'm getting better or if this is just a momentary respite before i tumble down into an even deeper emotional pit.

it does feel like i've reached another clearing in this figurative forest that has surrounded and confounded me at every turn. but while i can feel a bit of the sun and light above me, i look ahead and all around me and all i see is dark forest for miles. and i also know that this is not the kind of clearing that exists in perpetuity. either i will be pushed onward along whatever trail that leads me through the darkness again or the trees will slowly encroach on me and claim me again.

and yet again i find myself in a place where i wonder if i will ever know peace or joy or love again. and with that thought, i think i just felt the rustle of the trees and a shadow pass over my heart.

do yourself a favor

so today is national coming out day in the united states, and as someone who has been out for fifteen years of my own life, i would be remiss if i didn't take the opportunity on this blog to encourage anyone who is struggling with their sexual identity to embrace and be proud of who you are. even if you only "come out" to yourself, you will have made a tremendous step to a better life. accepting within myself that i was gay was the most difficult aspect of my coming out journey and the reason it took so long for me to do so. letting so much of my life pass by before accepting who i am is one of the deep regrets of my life.

and if you are already at the point of acceptance within yourself but have not shared this gift you have with anyone else, i encourage you to find a friend or family member who you know cares about you and you can trust to speak your personal truth aloud. you will be amazed at how liberating it feels to overcome your fear and let the light of revelation into that very dark, secret corner of your soul.

so whether to yourself, one person, or even many people, use this special day to begin a new, better phase of your life. remember, you deserve to be happy and loved and knowing yourself and letting others know the full you is a vital part of making that happen.

moss free

over the past couple of weeks, i've had the opportunity to share the somewhat peripatetic nature of my life (for those who are new, i've lived in 7 states and 17 different domiciles (and counting) in my almost 50 years on this earth). today presented another such opportunity in a meeting with a group of consultants that are working with us on a large project.

upon hearing the statistics i shared above, one of the consultants stated, "well, you know the saying, a rolling stone gathers no moss." to which i responded, "in that case, i am most assuredly moss free."

later, as i contemplated the exchange, i couldn't help but thinking, yet again, that while most of the movement has been prompted by seeking out new career opportunities, when all is said and done, have i lost more than i've gained as a result. in other words, maybe having a little moss would be a fair exchange for a sense of home and belonging in the world.

how will i ever?

it's back again. a heart and mind filled with questioning and doubting. feelings of being inadequate and incapable of coping with all of this stuff that makes up this thing called life. alone and isolated. feeling forgotten and unwanted. it all has come crashing down around me. and i wonder how will i ever be able to get out of bed tomorrow or really ever?

it's a good thing

today is one of those days when i think, "it's a good thing the windows of my office are sealed shut because sailing out of one them sure seems tempting right about now."

so here's the gist of how i'm doing. i'm still experiencing pain in my lower back and now my hip has seemed to join the action. i have a meeting of this project committee that i've just been named to that judging by the last meeting (my first) and the materials that were distributed this morning for today's meeting, it is not likely to be a good experience. meanwhile, i'm trying to sort through how we are going to accomplish all of this work that we need to get done over the next few days and my "mental sorter" seems to be malfunctioning (i guess it doesn't help that i am hopped up on pain relievers).

in short, this is a miserable, miserable day. then again, it seems as if that's the recurring theme for this year with no sign of change in the foreseeable future. i guess it's also a good thing that my home is only a two story.