moments of late

i've had moments of late where it feels as if my life is killing me, and i'm afraid no one will notice until it's too late.

a hint

i'm coming off a pretty good week. went to a great conference. learned quite a bit. met wonderful people and had great conversations. ate some really wonderful food and the weather was as lovely as spring gets. my new meds seem to be doing a better job at stabilizing my mood. i'm still taking my lumps at work (as experienced as recently as yesterday), but i'm managing to not be completely devastated by what i feel are the seemingly endless setbacks that keep occurring.

today was a pretty good day as well. had some nice online chats. got in a 2 hour nap. watched a fun and vibrant kylie concert video (that descriptor seems almost redundant really). had some of my favorite comfort foods today.

yet, even with all of that, there's a hint of melancholy in the air. and i can tell that it is born of actual sadness about something that continues to be missing from my life rather than from the depression that stems from my ongoing issues with an uncooperative brain chemistry.

what's strange is i was going to write that i miss being in love, but if truth be told, i think the more accurate descriptor is that i miss love period -- that almost palpable feeling that you are deeply cared for and about, that you have a cherished place in people's hearts and a welcomed place in this world. it has been so long since i've experienced this state of being in any real and tangible way that i question if it is something that i miss being present or something that i truly wish to experience for the first time.

i wonder if that questioning arises from the fact that for every affirming experience of love and relationship i've had in my life there are deeper, more painful experiences that i've had that undermine or even almost completely eradicate the positive ones? or is it just that i've not had enough of the positive ones to provide a sense that love is enduring and lasting, that it's not something that will not be present when you need it most or that exists in other people's lives but isn't meant to be for you?

i think about a remark in a speech that i heard amy grant give many years ago. she shared that she felt the love of god is like the ocean. it's the greatest component of our world even if many of us don't see it very often. i hope she's right.

it has at times felt that even the love of god is not available to me and that the love i seek here on earth will be forever beyond my grasp. and if that is indeed the case, then, truly, what am i still doing here?

hmm, maybe it's more than a hint....

a hope articulated

i took a walk yesterday. it was a nice, sunny spring day, and a breaking in my heart compelled me to retreat from my home and into the light and warmth. i grabbed my ipod and sunglasses and picked a recently purchased album to listen to as i ambled my way on my familiar route that i hadn't taken for many months.

during the course of the walk, i heard two songs that really affected me. i am sharing the first tonight and i will share the second hopefully tomorrow (i am not entirely confident where my emotional state will be at that time; i've had a rough couple of months).

when i heard this first song, it immediately reached deep in my soul and set off strong tremors of emotional resonance. in that moment i realized this artist was singing about a redemptive experience that i longed to have. rightly or wrongly it articulated a deep longing that i had in terms of finding a companion, a friend, a lover or whatever it is i'm seeking in this man (or these men) that truthfully my heart aches for more and more each day.

i had hoped that i found it when i met michael, and sadly over time i learned that i had not -- far from it really. so much time, so much hurt, moving me even further from this desired experience and increasing my doubt that this kind of love even exists for me.  in fact, i have had many, many  moments since leaving michael that it's felt as if my heart is so shattered that there is no one who can love me enough for me to be whole again.

and then there was this song reminding me that no matter what these dark moments speak to me, i still hope for that love. god help me.

piece by piece - kelly clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I travelled fifteen hundred miles to see you
Begged you to want me, but you didn't want to

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things and
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the Father could, stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn't free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn't have anything you needed so I was worthless

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things and
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay

Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I'm going to put her first and you know
He'll never walk away,
He'll never break her heart
He'll take care of things, he'll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the Father should be great

Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

Songwriters
GREGORY KURSTIN, KELLY CLARKSON

Read more: Kelly Clarkson - Piece By Piece Lyrics | MetroLyrics

it's finally happened

i'm now too depressed to even write about how depressed i am.

emptying

for well over a year now the pattern of my life has been the same. i get up and go into the day feeling that i cannot possibly accomplish what i need to given the emotional state i'm in. i do what needs to be done. i go home to my quiet and lonely existence. i go to bed feeling lost and more than a bit overwhelmed by how deep into my soul my sadness goes and i wake up the next day and do it all over again.

i've written about this pattern several times in this blog over the past year. today there is not much more to share than i am so very, very tired of it all. this is not living. not even remotely close. and after many moments of reflection and conversations with friends and months of therapy, nothing has changed.

i've been encouraged to attempt to make changes. i've tried and they've all blown up in my face to some degree or another. i would keep trying if not for being in this place where i'm not sure i even trust myself to know what is best for me or certainly i don't seem to know the right ways to achieve it.

i feel as if life has worn me down to the rawest nerve and despite my internal pleas for help and a cessation of that action, it continues to wear me down even further. how does this stop? when will it end? when even my mind and my entire emotional framework are constructed to betray me, how will it ever be possible for me to experience the sense of peace, belonging, and joy that i crave but seems to have eluded me for much of my life?

hope is in short supply today. in fact, that tank is just about empty.  

work/life balance

i was in a meeting today where the question of "what do we need to do to maintain work/life balance?" is it a problem that the immediate thought that came to me was, "maybe having a life would help"?

the will

when did my life become so much about this struggle just to find the will each day to continue with life? is this all that is left for me? no wonder i'm so tired and i keep getting sick. when you spend so much time alone in the cold and the dark, what else is there?