indeed i don't

back in the place where my belief in lasting relationships and my trust in the fidelity of men has left me.

back to feeling foolish for opening my heart and trusting.

back to questioning what difference does it make that i try my best to do good, be generous and give love in this world.

back to a broken heart and shattered dreams.

back to not knowing where to go from here.

back to not being sure it really matters.

don't want to be a fool - luther vandross

indeed they do ...

it seems strange to be so affected by the feeling of loss of something you barely had.

torch - alanis morissette

i'm feeling better, but ...

over the past couple of months, i've been on a slow and steady journey out of the pit of depression in which i've been trapped for almost two years. through a regimen of new medications, i am no longer plagued by suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, nor do i wake or go to bed with a sense of dread about the day ahead. everyday i wake up and go through my day on pretty much of a balanced emotional keel. i am grateful for this change and as i shared with someone recently, old demons die hard and deep pain heals slowly.

this week, i've been reminded of the truth of that statement as i've pondered what have been two central struggles in my life over this same two year period. the first is related to my friendship with sean (i've decided to no longer dance around to whom i've been referring over many a recent entry since it is blatantly obvious that he has been the subject of focus). in those entries i shared my fears that our friendship was disintegrating -- fears that admittedly come from hurts deeply rooted in my psyche by bad past experiences.

as i've witnessed the friendship dynamic shift from daily contact to at best once per week minimal discourse, the concerns that we are moving into "i wonder how he's doing territory?" have continued to grow. even with a recent (but brief) online chat about his belief our friendship is solid and that the change is due to a combination of busyness and his not exactly being in the best emotional space himself, the fears won't leave me. no matter how well meaning and confident in his beliefs i trust he is, and at the risk of sounding cliched, i've been given the reassurance speech before from people who i sit here now and think "i wonder how he's doing," with no real certainty that they are even thinking the same about me.

today is the second anniversary of the date we first met up. it remains a dear and cherished memory for me. i sent sean a text earlier today wishing him a "happy 'first time meeting up' anniversary" with the expressed hope that there will be many more. i know i feel i value his friendship as strongly today as i did in those early days (maybe even more so), and i am doing my very best to believe there will be more shared good times to come (based on a recent statement, he certainly seems convinced there will be). again and sadly, my past experience tells me differently and the question of why i should believe that this time would be any different remains persistently close at hand.

an equally troubling result is that i can tell that the situation is affecting my desire to seek out other relationships of any type with men. "why should i open myself to what will only turn into a very painful situation of further loss and rejection," i ask. i have no satisfactory answer to compel me to move forward and so here i remain, my heart locked up tight.

so the second situation involves my place of work. this time last year, we went through a painful reduction in force prompted by poor financial performance. this year the numbers are even worse and the cuts feel that they are going even deeper. to that end, i had to let go a few folks on my team this past week. in addition, i have to make additional cuts to my budget so that we can meet our departmental target. it's not exactly encouraging to function in an environment in which it seems that the powers that be are not able to figure out how to right the ship and so instead are choosing "easy" but damaging solutions over the long-term. i also wonder if there will ever be a day when the people who have made the decisions are actually impacted in terms of their continued employment by the poor decisions they have made.

what is even more discouraging is the growing realization i am working with people who lack vision and the desire to be innovative, not for the sake of being different, but because such changes will actually make us more effective in the work we do for the people we serve. a recent conversation brought back into focus the conservative nature of my peers, and, to a lesser extent, my boss. i think i've shared before that my job is focused on strategic development and transformation of how we are organized and operate. it's difficult to believe that what i am supposed to be accomplishing can have any true success when at every turn those with whom i work question why any radical change is really necessary. this attitude seems to be the prevailing perspective of our entire organization, and it is the reason, i believe, we find ourselves in the unfortunate position we do.

so here i am with both a friendship and a work situation neither of which is turning out the way i had hoped. worse still there doesn't appear to be any positive resolution anywhere in sight. so, yes, i am feeling better; but the chance to have a happy, fulfilled life continues to elude me.

(holiday) seasonal affective disorder

this weekend i noticed a shifting in my emotional state. a movement from an occasional sense of melancholy to a deeper sadness grounded in this feeling of being alone and unloved.

i know part of this emotion is due to the recent shift in my friendship dynamic. it is difficult to go from daily contact to weeks without any interaction, and even when that occurs, it's always generated by me. it is harder still when you've lost one of only two people in this world with whom you have had this daily contact. now i'm down to one.

and yet, while i know that the feeling of loss and (some) abandonment is contributing to my disheartened mood, a look at the calendar this morning brought to light another contributing factor. it's just past halloween and the november slide into and through the holiday season has begun. as i was remarking to an online overseas friend, this in not an easy time to be alone here in the States.

soon images of family and friends gathering and communing will flood all of the popular media from television to magazines to displays in shopping venues. everywhere there will be reminders that this is a time to be with those we love. it may be for others but not for me.

for me this time will be an ongoing revelation that i am alone and without someone to love me. i have no family and very few friends. i have no loving home in which either i reside or return to where people greet me and make me feel safe and warm.

it is very hard to live a life devoid of love and affection, for these are the things that give our lives meaning and a sense of belonging. and it is not that i don't have people that i love. it is more that it feels that i have no one who loves me in the way i need to be loved at this time in my life.

this same friend suggested that i get out there and meet new people. i see what he means but my question is, "how do you just create meaningful relationships that provide a love you've wanted for all your life and feel you've never known?" this question is particularly difficult to answer when you've failed so miserably at so many attempts in your past.

so as we move through a time of "happy"s and "merry"s, i hope maybe some of that residual joy that lingers in the air will find a place in me and bring some light and warmth to a dark and chilly life.

what do you do . . .

what do you do when you feel you have so much love in your heart that it feels as if it's about to burst, but there never seems to be anyone in your life who wants to be the recipient of that love?

no matter how much every fiber of your being wants to give yourself completely to loving, caring about, supporting, believing in and encouraging another person in a deeply intimate relationship, all that ever seems to happen is that people choose to take a pass on all that you have and want to give.

no matter how kind or generous or honest you strive to be, it's never enough.

no matter how much you may want love in your life or attempt to have it be so, it never works out.

what do you do when this is your life?

even when you know

i had the opportunity to have a brief online chat with my friend this past weekend. he shared with me that basically the reason i have not heard from him is that he's in his own unhappy place right now. i certainly can relate to what that's like, and i tried to find out what is causing him some level of pain and concern. he wasn't in the space of wanting to open up, responding simply that it was difficult to explain.

it's at that point in the conversation that i realized and shared that this particular dynamic was a difficult one for our friendship. he has some type of struggle. it causes him to withdraw. he withdraws and i blame myself for being the reason which in turn triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. he said that the withdrawal wasn't intentional and that our friendship, from his point of view, was solid. i shared a variation on my oft-repeated phrase that while that statement might be true, it didn't feel as if it were true, but that i also understood the reason for his withdrawal. i emphasized that i would always be here for him with my door open even though he never seemed to want to walk through the door.

i do understand the reasons for the distance and lack of active engagement that has developed. as i also shared with him, i am very concerned with how he's doing. i want him to be well and happy. my heart truly aches from the thought that he is anything but. i did tell him that i wouldn't continue to attempt to intrude on his daily life, but i would check in with him from time to time to see how he is doing.

i was just running an errand and he came to mind. i thought about how maybe some semblance of the previous level of contact might return but doubted that it would. with that, the same feelings of concern about being abandoned and forgotten arose in my heart accompanied by a moment of deep sadness.

it then hit me that even when you know the reason for why a situation is happening, it doesn't necessarily make the pain or fear that it elicits go away, any less painful or any easier to manage. i think this is particularly true when you are still dealing with the ghosts of similar past experiences.

what i also realize is that whatever i'm going through, it's not my friend's problem. it's something i have to deal with on my own. actually, even though it's not his issue to deal with, it certainly would be nice to have someone here to help me find my way through it all.

where is that piece?

you know how when you're doing a puzzle, and it's one of those where you don't know what the picture is of, i.e., no picture on the box. you've got just these random shapes scattered across a table. you start to sort through the pieces attempting to find shapes that fit together. eventually you do, but they're still just shapes with colors. you still have no idea of what you're creating, and so the pieces just sit in the middle of the table waiting for their correct placement in the overall picture.

then you find that one piece that gives you a sense of at least what a part of the puzzle is all about. you look for other pieces that build out the image further. the more matching pieces you find the more you see what you're building. soon the pieces you built at the start find their natural home in the overall scheme of the larger picture, and before long all the pieces are assembled. they all fit together. they all have a place, and now it all makes sense.

"oh, it's a church in a field," you say, or it might be a skyscraper in a city. maybe it's a pure white sandy beach resting at the edge of a crystal blue ocean. it may be a hiker standing at the top of a mountain or children playing in a playground. it might even be a picture of a favorite moment that you shared with someone else, who in turn converted it into a puzzle for you to enjoy assembling and remembering the time you had together when you were done.

whatever the picture, once you found that one piece, the work of creating it gave you a sense of purpose, and once done, gazing upon it filled you with a sense of accomplishment. there is something to be said for having these experiences in life.

most of my life has felt very much like the first paragraph. the work, the relationships, the experiences, the joys, the hurts all seem like those random puzzle pieces that don't really fit in a larger picture that is clear or makes sense.

there have been times when i've thought i had found that one piece that told me what the larger picture of my life is all about. it might have come in the form of a particular job or friendship or religious experience, but before long it's clear that while there is likely some connection to the picture of my life, my place, my purpose and my direction in this thing we call living continues to elude me.

i look around me, and it seems that so many people have their pictures strongly etched in their minds. their lives seem to be more about spending their time on this planet putting all their puzzle pieces into place. i'm also aware that disruptive events (some minor, some major) can happen that can either cause some pieces to be shifted or sweep their puzzle off the table completely, placing it back in the heap of random shapes that were there when they first came out of the box. eventually though, they will find that one clarifying piece again and start building their lives anew.

i am in another place where whatever pieces i've had put together have been swept off the table. each time this has happened, it has become harder to feel encouraged to start building again. i keep hoping to find that one piece of the puzzle. there are times i wonder if when my box was assembled, someone forgot to place that one piece inside.

so here's a repeat song. it popped into my head as i was finishing this entry, so i figure it must be worth sharing again. this is a performance of the song done shortly after he had written it (you'll see he shares that it doesn't even have a title yet at that time).

long and far away - james taylor