this was the one

during every walk there is usually a song that starts me to weeping a bit. this was the one during this evening's walk.

will you still love me - chicago

the kind of not well

sorry to report it was another rough saturday. the week has been a difficult one. the brutal conversation with sean on tuesday night surfaced some old hurts from friendships past. my therapy session on thursday was like reopening every painful wound that i've ever experienced. i spent much of the day today running around getting paperwork together for michael to help him get a home loan on a new place closer to work (something that is required by a newly diagnosed medical condition). i don't feel well at all. in fact, it's the kind of "not well" that has me questioning both if i every have been well before or whether i ever will be again.

sticking with jt

up on the roof - james taylor

more boxes

anyone who has gone through the process of moving knows the experience. the moving van leaves and everywhere you look there are boxes waiting to be unpacked. and as you set upon the task of finding a place for everything and putting everything in its place, you find yourself feeling as if there are even more boxes than you remember having been packed and loaded on the truck and even start to question if maybe the movers gave you someone else's belongings in addition to your own. this is certainly the experience i'm having now but it's not exactly the experience i'm going to focus on in this entry.

the thought of "more boxes" first came to me before the actual move itself, right after the packers completed their work and had everything i had brought into my last place of residence nicely and neatly put away in moving boxes of various sizes. what i was referring to with that thought was that yet again i found myself in a moving scenario. and the thought brought more than a hint of sadness and weariness.

you see, this most recent move is my fourteenth as an adult, i.e., since graduating from college (if you add the moves of my childhood this would be the twentieth move of my lifetime). some were big moves across many states. many have been smaller moves across the city or town i was living in at the time. and the fact that i can state with some certainty that this is not my last move may also be contributing to the bit of melancholy that i am experiencing about this whole scenario.

i've reflected before in this blog on how unsettling a move can be for me, and i believe i've also shared how all of this movement has left me with this feeling of being without a true place to identify as home. i remember sharing with michael as we were searching for the place that he continues to call home that i was looking for a "homestead" in which we could settle and establish roots. a place we could live out a significant amount of the rest of our lives (at least until retirement). well, that was eleven years and four moves ago, and the hunger for such a place has only grown more acute.

while i'm sure that some of this desire has to do with being ready to not have to go through the motions of packing and unpacking ever again, i'm also highly confident that the more significant element is wanting to have a place where i feel like i belong. and from yesterday's conversation with my new therapist, i see that while the physical relocations have not entirely created this decades long struggle i've had with the feeling of belonging, they certainly have not helped. i'll be honest that i'm not actually sure that finding the place to settle down is the solution to the problem, but i am certainly ready to try and find out.

time for some sweet baby james

this seemed to be a fitting song to mark the occasion of my first day back in therapy.

fire and rain - james taylor

another encouraging word from kylie

as promised here's tonight's song.

into the blue - kylie minogue

fine

so today's moving day and so i'm going to keep it brief. in part because i have stuff to do and in part because i'm still recovering from the after affects of a conversation last evening that seem to take the broken pieces of my psyche, ground them to powder and then cast them to the wind (but then again i do have a penchant for understating conditions). so, in my stupor i, put on the one cd that i have unpacked by one kylie minogue, the patron saint of those of us of the homosexual persuasion. as i half-listened two songs stood out; and, based on numerous testimonials, as she has done for countless individuals, i gained a bit of inspiration and encouragement from miss kylie. i even caught a glimpse of the person i used to be and hopefully can be again. don't get me wrong, i still feel pretty broken, just not beaten.

so here's one song (with lyrics even) and look for the other tonight (provided my ipad and 4G connection work effectively).

fine - kylie minogue

fine, you're gonna be fine
you don't have to worry don't you turn and run, run run
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun

standing in heaven but don't feel the light
the brightest colors are the black and white
you wanna dance but you don't trust your feet
you know the rhythm but can't feel the beat

the night, the night, the night is full of tears
you cry, you cry, you cry
when you feel everything's impossible
just know you're gonna be

fine, you're gonna be fine
you don't have to worry don't you turn and run, run run
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun
fine, you're gonna be fine
it's gonna be OK a brighter day will come, come, come
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun

turn your face into the sun, sun, sun
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun

you got it all but you don't feel complete
even the sweetest things are bittersweet
you're riding high but you just fear the fall
don't even recognize yourself at all

[editor's note: god this song is so my life right now except i'm not riding too high]

the night, the night, the night is full of tears
you cry, you cry, you cry
sometimes this world can leave you in the cold
but everything will be

fine, you're gonna be fine
you don't have to worry don't you turn and run, run, run
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun
fine, you're gonna be fine
it's gonna be OK a brighter day will come, come, come
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun

fine, you're gonna be fine
you don't have to worry don't you turn and run, run, run
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun
fine, you're gonna be fine
it's gonna be OK a brighter day will come, come, come
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun

turn your face into the sun, sun, sun
turn your face into the sun, sun, sun



Read more: Kylie Minogue - Fine Lyrics | MetroLyrics