it's finally happened

i'm now too depressed to even write about how depressed i am.

emptying

for well over a year now the pattern of my life has been the same. i get up and go into the day feeling that i cannot possibly accomplish what i need to given the emotional state i'm in. i do what needs to be done. i go home to my quiet and lonely existence. i go to bed feeling lost and more than a bit overwhelmed by how deep into my soul my sadness goes and i wake up the next day and do it all over again.

i've written about this pattern several times in this blog over the past year. today there is not much more to share than i am so very, very tired of it all. this is not living. not even remotely close. and after many moments of reflection and conversations with friends and months of therapy, nothing has changed.

i've been encouraged to attempt to make changes. i've tried and they've all blown up in my face to some degree or another. i would keep trying if not for being in this place where i'm not sure i even trust myself to know what is best for me or certainly i don't seem to know the right ways to achieve it.

i feel as if life has worn me down to the rawest nerve and despite my internal pleas for help and a cessation of that action, it continues to wear me down even further. how does this stop? when will it end? when even my mind and my entire emotional framework are constructed to betray me, how will it ever be possible for me to experience the sense of peace, belonging, and joy that i crave but seems to have eluded me for much of my life?

hope is in short supply today. in fact, that tank is just about empty.  

work/life balance

i was in a meeting today where the question of "what do we need to do to maintain work/life balance?" is it a problem that the immediate thought that came to me was, "maybe having a life would help"?

the will

when did my life become so much about this struggle just to find the will each day to continue with life? is this all that is left for me? no wonder i'm so tired and i keep getting sick. when you spend so much time alone in the cold and the dark, what else is there?

darker still

i'm not entirely sure what's going on with me, but i'm finding my thoughts are becoming increasingly darker in terms of my outlook on life. this feeling that my life will never be better, that there is no reason to hope for anything different seems to be settling in my spirit and calcifying my heart. it is a process that is beginning to feel so palpable that it is almost as much physically painful as it is emotionally. the phrase "there is no hope for me" has been playing over and over in my head for the last several minutes and my attempts to silence that voice have been unsuccessful. so many times over the past year plus, i've had these same types of moments where i've thought that i was going literally insane. why is the simple wish for peace and love in my life so much to ask for? why can't i be found in this deep, dark place?

slipping again

at the start of this week, i had a long awaited visit from someone who has become a true and dear friend. although the time we spent together was relatively brief, i had a great time (and i hope he feels the same). it is certainly my hope that we will not have to wait as long as we did this time to see one another again and that when that next opportunity happens that the duration is at least a day longer. that's my hope but i understand life has a way of interfering with our desired plans.

since his departure i have to admit that i have been struggling quite a bit emotionally. tonight my heart has been particularly heavy and my eyes especially weepy. i'm not entirely sure what exactly is bringing on this sadness. i just know that i continue to feel lost and alone. it's as if the underlying substance of my life is wholly unsatisfying and that there is nothing that will change that fact. that my desire for companionship is not going to be fulfilled and that the experience of having a place where i am at home in this world will forever elude me.

i heard this song earlier today. i'm pretty sure i've shared it before and i think in terms of tone and sentiment it expresses my mood and disposition this evening pretty accurately -- this evening and many evenings over the previous year plus.

havoc - alanis morissette

afraid to love

over the past few days, i've been caught unaware by a strange thought given my current state of desiring companionship. both times the thought has come to me as a song was playing. both times it was a love song (i've posted the obligatory links below) and both times i thought in response, "i really hope i never feel that way about another guy again." again, it's a strange thought to have when i've spent many a day and night of late wishing i had a close guy friend in my immediate vicinity -- one with whom i can enjoy spending time and be both emotionally and physically intimate with.

i know where the thought comes from though. to be in love with someone requires a degree of openness and vulnerability, and that creates the potential for being disappointed and hurt very deeply. and at this point, it's not so much that it's about the possibility or even the probability of being hurt. i really believe it's a certainty and that's one certainty i can do without.

and yet every night, i experience the pain and ache of what feels like an unending loneliness, and so there's this feeling that i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. i wonder if there will be ever be any peace for this heart of mine.

you're mine - mariah carey

i knew i loved you - savage garden