swimming in a frozen sky

today's song is from a uk television adaptation of the children's book the snowman. the film is without dialogue save an introduction and this song. it is sung by a young boy as the boy protagonist and his snowman, who has come to life in the film, take to flight and venture to the north pole where they meet father christmas.

kenny loggins chose to record it and have it as the opening song to his holiday album december.

i love this song for it's ethereal quality. i think it perfectly conveys the almost mystical feeling that permeates the scene of a freshly fallen snow at night.

i've taken many a walk through such a setting. at times it's been with a light heart and at times a heavy one. always i've found that i've been glad for the experience. hopefully, you will feel the same after listening to this aural reproduction.

walking in the air - kenny loggins from december

maybe not in time for you and me

there are many christmas songs that reflect on the hope for love, peace and joy to be spread throughout our world. this is one of the best.

someday at christmas - stevie wonder and andra day

december

it's december, and once again we find ourselves in the midst of another holiday season. i have to admit that i'm not in the same jubilant state i was in this time last year. that notwithstanding i have decided to do another month of sharing some of my favorite holiday songs.

still, when trying to determine the approach for this year's listing, i was quite challenged. you see i'm still wrestling with this sense of loss as i continue to adjust to the reality of what will be rather than what i hoped would be, and with that i've entered into another state of questioning who i am and what my life will be about.

one bright spot in this current time is the fact that amy grant (who long time readers of my blog know is pretty much at the top of my list of all-time favorite recording artists) has released a new christmas album. i was listening to one track and realized it would be the ideal song for this first day. the fact that the title is actually the name of the month of which this is the first day certainly contributed to my feelings of this being a natural choice, but an even greater reason for the selection is that it perfectly captures what i'm feeling at this place in time.

as i thought more about this song and the entirety of amy's new album, with it's more subdued and contemplative mood mirroring my own, i thought, "what if i approached this year's entire holiday song sharing using the same theme?" after all, i'm not exactly feeling up to dashing through the snow or rocking around the christmas tree. and so that's what i've decided to do.

with that i should share this caveat that if you indeed expected "happy, happy, joy, joy" from my indicating at the beginning of this entry that i'd once again embark upon sharing favorite holiday tunes, then this might not be the experience for you, but if you're good with songs that reflect the still, quiet and poignant aspects of this season within which we find ourselves, then i invite you to join me in this year's journey through some more of my favorite songs of the season.

last point. this is likely the most commentary i will make in an entry over the course of this month. in keeping with the theme, the vast majority of what i will write will be simple and spare. after all, even though these are my favorites, i'd like this to be as much about what these songs bring to life in your hearts and minds as they reflect what's going on with me.

december - amy grant from tennessee christmas

the inexplicable

this past wednesday was the third anniversary of the first time sean and i met face-to-face. this year, as in the past, i've marked this occasion with a greeting and a small gift to my friend. this year, as in the previous two, the day and the days following have more of a sense of sadness than joy.

today it hit me how strongly i've missed sean -- a feeling that has been at a particularly peak level this week. i also thought that it seemed to defy a logical explanation as to why this was the case. why is it that i still feel so strongly, that i still "kinda miss him" (to borrow a phrase that i've exchanged with sean many times over the past three years)? why is the heart pain so acute that i get teary eyed? why do i still think about him just about every day even though i haven't seen him in almost two years and the communication has been very light over this past one?

there are many times, particularly of late, that i question if this dynamic is healthy. i don't think i've ever experienced something like it in any other relationship that i've had at least not for this long of a duration of time. yet, experience it i do even though i really don't know why.

there are so many times that i feel that it seems so unfair that i can feel this way about someone who i doubt is having the same experience with respect to me. i'm not sure that he has much consideration of me between one instance when i reach out to him to say hello and the next.

i have to admit this has hit me particularly hard today -- the loneliness, the disappointment, the sense of foolishness, the feeling of not being wanted, of being insignificant to someone for whom i've developed a deep affection. all the feelings i've had at various time over the past three years revisiting me all at once.

it does all seem so inexplicable. at least it does to me today, and i'm not sure if i will ever understand it.

the day after the loss

on what is a painful day for many of us, i thought these concluding words from lincoln's second inaugural address might be fitting:

with malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.

May these words from one republican guide the every action of our next president as well as our own.

what i would have wanted

i've had a conflicted feeling about relationships ever since my break-up with michael. that conflict has come to the fore as a result of my discussions with my new therapist about the dynamics of my friendship with sean.

he's been asking me what i was seeking with sean, and i've always responded that it's what i've described as an intimate friendship. one that has both emotional and physical dimensions but isn't about being romantically involved. one that isn't a precursor to being boyfriends or partners or husbands. one that is and always will remain in the "bff's with benefits" zone.

i've been saying for some time that's really all i want at most any future relationships with men. i just want a good friend with whom sex is a part of the potential choice of activities. it's not something that has to happen every time we get together nor is it something that can't happen if we so choose.

i've been saying it for some time, but last night i was wondering why. is it a jaded reaction to the end of my relationship with michael - the perspective that since my ten plus year relationship (which was difficult for most of its duration) didn't work out that any committed relationship i would have in the future would eventually end so why bother hoping for one? i then thought what if michael had never happened at all. what would have i wanted in terms of a relationship?

it's certainly an interesting question to ponder. i mean i grew up with and was influenced by the same cultural conditions that dictated that life is not complete without a spouse that everyone else has, so i'm sure at some time or other that's what i believed i wanted. i know after i came out, having a boyfriend who i would eventually have as a partner was definitely a desired goal. it certainly is what pushed me in and through a relationship that should have come to an end much sooner (well, that and my determination to believe that somehow my love would make things better. obviously, it didn't).

i guess it's true that had michael not happened what i would have wanted would still have been to find the man of my dreams and settle down with him in domestic bliss. but michael has happened and it is possible that the difficulties of that relationship may have been as much of a clarifier of what i really want as it could be a creator of disbelief in the ability of what i used to hope for to ever come to pass.

right now i'm going to continue the course with the "bff with benefits" mindset, trusting that if something different is meant for me that whatever that may be will present itself and i'll be able to embrace it. now the difficult part is actually finding that relationship, and if my current experience with sean is any indicator, achieving that goal will continue to be an elusive one.

just needs a pronoun change or two

i think i may be starting to slip again. i guess losses can do that to you.

i heard this song a few moments ago, and it seems to say everything that i've felt for much of my adult life. it just needs a pronoun change or two.

she used to be mine - sara bareilles