emotional bandwidth

so the day has proceeded along at it's usual pace of meeting upon meeting, each with its own set of complexities and issues. through it all i've been more focused on the events of the past few days and particularly on a pretty involved online conversation that i had with sean last night. in that conversation i shared how i had been feeling about our now about six month old friendship with specific emphasis on the parts that were frustrating to me.

it was a good albeit deeply emotion-filled conversation (at least, not surprisingly, for me). "good" being defined as providing more clarity and shared understanding about the realities that define and determine how what i can only divulge as one of the more unique relationships i have had in my almost 50 years on this planet will move forward. i'm not sure that the situation is exactly how either of us would like it to be (i certainly know it's not exactly to my liking), but what's abundantly clear is that we've committed to making the best of an imperfect situation (imperfect being defined by me at one point in the discussion as "this kinda sucks" minus the kinda).

stepping out of the situation and looking back in, i'm seeing that this experience is showing me a lot about where i am in life. i have this profound desire for intimate connection that i have not experienced in some time and yet if there is one thing that forging a relationship with sean has shown me it's that developing important relationships of the kind i desire is not easy work. during our discussion, sean mentioned an oft-repeated opinion of his that i need to "put myself out there." as i have done in response to his previous recommendations of this type, i reminded him that our friendship was actually that idea in practice and my experience thus far wasn't making me too confident about how well i would do in other attempts.

today, in thinking about that same part of our conversation, the thought came to me that i really didn't think i had the emotional bandwidth to take on any more new relationships, at least not at this time. what also came to mind is that maybe i should honor that perspective and be a little more patient with myself. after all, i've just left a significant relationship that i tried for almost 13 years to make work. i am in the most challenging and demanding role of my professional career. and yes, i am trying to develop a new friendship that has its own set of issues to work through. maybe that's all my plate can hold at this time. maybe the ability to take on more requires some more time and distance from the pains of the past to allow my heart to heal. and if that's the case, maybe i need to learn to be ok with that even if it may mean some more lonely nights and weepy moments. ultimately, i just need to trust that when the time is right and i am indeed ready for more, my heart will tell me.